July 17, 2009 poem

I thought the moment we started trying for a child would be the beginning of the rest of our lives. It was the beginning of failure, a cycle so vicious and draining that I wonder how I’m supposed to survive this despair.

Andy’s wishes to hold off for a few years were supposed to be the only obstacle. Five months after our decision finally to have a child, and I’m still screaming.

heartbeat

wanting something I can’t have
wishing for something just out of reach
there, so close
around me everywhere I go
pressing at my thoughts
with me in every heartbeat
then I think this is it, I finally have it
and the dream pulses with life and love and promise and future
but I blink
I look around me
and it’s gone
the phantom vanishes, taking all life and hope with it
taking the heartbeat
and leaving an empty chest