Thursday, January 24, 2013

5 weeks pyrotechnics

Can you freak out from happiness? I feel so completely pregnant, and it's the happiest I've felt to the core in a long time. I'm a perpetually exploding firework, and I'm sure everyone must see my pyrotechnics.

With this kind of happiness comes complete vulnerability to the universe and what it could do. I'm at the mercy of a baby that's the size of a sesame seed, whose miniature heart is just beginning to beat. I'm at the mercy of my body, and my environment, and everything in my world. Just let me be happy, please, just let me have this.

Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself,
and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no.

Good Enough by Evanescence

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

4w5d (18dpo) symptoms

It would appear that I am four weeks and five days pregnant, 18 days post ovulation. Backing this up are a number of strong symptoms. I've already begun unbuttoning my pants (ahhhhhh) to accommodate the bloating. There's round ligament pain all over, breast tenderness, exhaustion, and the nausea is strong enough to make functioning a little difficult, but not so bad that I'm throwing up. (I haven't done that since 12dpo during the cyst rupture adventure.)

Probably the funniest thing to me, though, was last night about 30 seconds after polishing off a plate of pancakes, when I thought to myself how good a big bowl of spaghetti would be. Knowing I'd feel awful afterward, I exercised a little self-control. But I did torture myself by simmering some spaghetti sauce for use at breakfast lunch today. I better stick with my crackers for breakfast. And cookies. And cheez-its. And maybe a Snickers.

On today's pregnancy test, the test line is dark enough to match the control line, which is right on schedule. Getting my first fairly dark positive on 10dpo was kind of early and had me worrying about twins. (Other strikes against me are obviously having Clomid in my system and being 30 years old.) Fletcher is my first priority, and it's going to be hard enough for him to adjust to one more person in our family, let alone two. Hopefully the beta on Friday will show a normal, average increase in hCG.

The doc is taking things one blood test at a time. Currently, my first glimpse of the baby is scheduled for February 13, unless the doc decides to take a peek sooner. As a crazy, anxious pregnant woman who's had more miscarriages than babies, I hope it's sooner.

Thursday, January 17, 2013

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

What a way to start a pregnancy

3 weeks 6 days pregnant

I started the new year by giving up on fertility drugs and letting my bonfire of hope fizzle down to a tiny flame of light, like a candle in an already lit room, easily ignored. Hope was there, but not really. I'd said my goodbyes to the possibility.

Monday, January 14 was 10 DPO. I took a pregnancy test on autopilot, knowing that even if I were pregnant, it would probably be too early for it to show on a test, especially one of these cheapies that I bought 25 for $8. I didn't even look at the test, just carried it back to my desk at work and went about my business.

Five minutes later I remembered that I needed to throw away that test. I glanced down at it and saw two lines. A very obvious positive. I don't think I smiled. I think I was confused.

When the confusion finally turned to acceptance, that little candle of hope set the room on fire. My first month off fertility drugs, and we finally did it! Twenty-two cycles. Twenty-two failures. And we finally did it.

Tuesday, January 15. 11 DPO. Nausea, hunger, and cramping. The cramps covered my entire abdomen, twisting and squeezing my stomach. (Hooray, pregnancy symptoms!) It gradually got worse. And worse.

And worse.

There was no bleeding, so for the time being I ruled out miscarriage. This was something entirely other, destroying me from the inside out, an alien planted near my stomach readying itself to burst out of my body and tear me apart.

By 7:00 pm I was scared. I was alone with Fletcher and crying and vomiting and not sure what to do. By 8:00 pm I was in the ER in the worst pain of my life, wondering if I were dying.

Part of me was scared of leaving Fletcher without his mother. Part of me was worrying about project deadlines at work. Make it stop make it stop make it stop.

The morphine brought me back to sanity. Then they ran a hundred tests, I had a hundred pelvic exams, and the results came back inconclusive. Story of my life.

The ER doctor guessed that an ovarian cyst had filled with nasty fluid and burst, the fluid inflaming everything inside me. The possibility of an ectopic pregnancy was suggested, but it's too early to see where the baby is. There's no bleeding so, for the time being, I'm still pregnant.

But once again, I find myself saying my goodbyes to the possibility. If the little one can survive all of this, I will be impressed. Baby Deuce will have to be Iron Man.

Today I tried eating and vomited again. The Vicodin has made me shaky and probably even more nauseated. There will be several follow up appointments with my doctor, monitoring my hormone levels and searching for the tiny ball of cells that would change everything.

Iridescent by Linkin Park. It is a song that grows, building up and building up, until we hover at the top wondering how it's all going to end.

You were standing in the wake of devastation
And you were waiting on the edge of the unknown
And with the cataclysm raining down
Insides crying "Save me now"
You were there, impossibly alone

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go

And in a burst of light that blinded every angel
As if the sky had blown the heavens into stars
You felt the gravity of tempered grace
Falling into empty space
No one there to catch you in their arms

Do you feel cold and lost in desperation?
You build up hope, but failure’s all you’ve known
Remember all the sadness and frustration
And let it go. Let it go.