Tuesday, October 23, 2012

11DPO negativity

I went ahead and published several old TTC posts. We've been trying to conceive for about 500 days now. We've been through an extremely early miscarriage, a boatload of testing, and now fertility drugs.

And the tests are still coming up negative. And this is my life. And I wish the promise offered by the fertility drugs had not pulled me out of my numbness, because right now, all I want to feel is numb.

I go back to New Moon, second in the Twilight series. It's been my spirit book in many ways.

The pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing...

And later

I still hadn't been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears... I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before.

Thursday, October 4, 2012


Fertility drugs create unbelievable nausea, enough so that I couldn't sleep last night and breakfast is waging a battle within. It's like being pregnant without the baby.

I'm testing my resiliance in many ways today. Though it can only end badly, trying to stretch out the firmness of time, my eyes remain trained on the impossible. For better or worse, I am my own worst enemy.