Tuesday, October 23, 2012

11DPO negativity

I went ahead and published several old TTC posts. We've been trying to conceive for about 500 days now. We've been through an extremely early miscarriage, a boatload of testing, and now fertility drugs.

And the tests are still coming up negative. And this is my life. And I wish the promise offered by the fertility drugs had not pulled me out of my numbness, because right now, all I want to feel is numb.

I go back to New Moon, second in the Twilight series. It's been my spirit book in many ways.

The pain was something I could avoid for days at a time now. The tradeoff was the never-ending numbness. Between pain and nothing, I'd chosen nothing...

And later

I still hadn't been able to sink back into my protective shell of numbness, and everything seemed oddly close and loud today, like I'd taken cotton out of my ears... I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before.

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