Monday, October 31, 2011

13dpo WTF

October 31, 2011

This is an outrageous Twilight-Zone-esque world I've wandered into. Very appropriate for Halloween. I've never seen 13dpo without a positive test before. I hate this. Seriously. I effing hate this.

NOTHING IS HAPPENING. Could something please happen? Please? One way or the other? I won't even be pissed if it's the way of failure, I just need an answer here.

I've consulted this absolutely trustworthy "Are You Pregnant?" test and have concluded that I'm a zombie vampire. So helpful.

Friday, October 28, 2011

10dpo negative

October 28, 2011

Do you know how much I hate myself today?

I'm listening to Enya. That much.

I may now own stock in the pregnancy test company. Not sure how these things work.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

9dpo showing

October 27, 2011

This is completely ridiculous. Tests are showing up negative, but my goodness, do I feel pregnant. Strong cramps, low backache, nausea, fatigue. I had to unbutton my pants. Seriously. These were loose pants.

What is going on here? How can I be so big that these pants -- which I wore WELL into my pregnancy with Fletcher -- don't fit at all? If I am pregnant, I'm only considered 3 weeks and 2 days along!

You don't get symptoms like this before a positive test,  you just don't. Is this a seriously horrible case of PMS? Universe, what the heck? How cruel are you?

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

7DPO signs

October 25, 2011

Since 3DPO, I've had nausea on and off. Since 5DPO, I've had that dull, all over cramping that I've associated with pregnancy. All of this is way too early -- like two weeks too early -- to be real. So what's going on here?

All I know is that tomorrow is only 8DPO, but it's my birthday, so dammit I'm peeing on a stick. It's my party and I'll test if I want to.

Yesterday I got a call from the doctor's office reminding me of my prenatal appointment on my birthday, and I had to tell her, "No... that appointment was cancelled... because of a... loss." I didn't want to use the word "miscarriage" while in hearing distance of others. The nurse sounded flustered then, apologetic, and I just felt sad.

Cue the confetti. What a birthday it will be.

Universe, could I please have a baby for my birthday? That would be very nice, thank you.

Monday, October 24, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Seven

It wasn't a difficult project, but the week inspired by music comes to an end.

In Tori Amos' new album, Night Of Hunters, every song is based on a classical piece. The last on the album, Carry, comes from Debussy's The Girl with the Flaxen Hair.

Love, hold my hand
Help me see with the dawn
That those that have left
Are not gone
But they carry on
As stars looking down
As nature's sons
And daughters of the heavens
You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you


You have touched my life
So that now
Cathedrals of sound are singing, are singing
The waves have come to walk with you
To where you will live in the land of you,
Land of you
You will not ever be forgotten by me
In the procession of the mighty stars
Your name is sung and tattooed now on my heart
Here I will carry, carry, carry you
Here I will carry, carry, carry you


Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Six

I finally saw the movie Bridesmaids tonight. I recommend it, and not just because it included this song.

"Paper Bag" by Fiona Apple

Saturday, October 22, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Five

A couple things that make me smile...

Alanis Morissette spoofs The Blackeyed Peas...

Friday, October 21, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Four

The weather has chilled me and brought on the cravings for the season - pumpkin pie, banana bread, trick or treat, decorated stores, the smell of pine, trays of cookies, the sound of the furnace turning on, mittens, snuggling under blankets, red bows and holly, twinkling lights in the dark, Christmas music (yes!). I've got the fever.

"February" by Dar Williams.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Three

All kids go through a phase where they watch the same three (or so) movies ad nauseam until their parents/siblings/mail carriers shout, "ENOUGH ALREADY." At least, I hope so, or I was just a really annoying child.

So far, having been a parent for only 17 months, I've delighted in re-immersing myself in Disney movies and Sesame Street. But this early in, I'm the one pulling the strings.

To what will Fletcher be drawn when he gets older? What will he watch/read/play on repeat? I'm eager to know.

For now, here's a song from Annie, because who can ever have too much of Carol Burnett's brilliance as Miss Hannigan, or Daddy Warbuck's voice, or Grace's charm, or Annie's freckles? Not me, apparently.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

A Week of Music: Day Two

I'm a sucker for a dramatic violin solo. This also supports our theory that the greatest songs rock a "na na na" or "la la la" element.

"Tragedy" by Christina Perri.

1DPO confidence

October 19, 2011

This is Earth on the day that my second baby was conceived.

I don't want to think about the disappointment I'll feel otherwise, so... I'll just deny that possibility for now. I NEVER FREAKING CHANGE, DO I?

See you in July, Baby Deuce.

Hello, beautiful temperature jump.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

A Week of Music: Day One

I sang this to Fletcher today when he fell and smashed his face, and it was enough to interrupt his Big Cry.

(stupid slippery socks)

(I'm sure I sounded just like this)

(I can't watch this movie without thinking of the time my mother and I were the only ones in the theater to see it... and we still sat way on the left side)

Friday, October 7, 2011

CD3 strike

October 7, 2011

I keep going back to the puppy dog face the doctor gave me, the way she said, "Mawww, I'm sorrrry," and how I wanted to kick her energetic, fake-tanned head.

Going in to see the doctor wasn't my idea, but I was sure treated as if it was. Instead of having a real discussion, I got a pat on the head like a little girl whose only problem is lack of patience. I'm ignorant of some things, but fertility isn't one of them.

Pointless. It'll probably cost me a small fortune for a trip that served no purpose, a trip that I didn't ask for.

It gives me something outside of myself, my failed body, to be angry about, but more anger isn't helpful.

My favorite part is when I'm told that nothing can be holding me back, because I already have a beautiful healthy boy, and then I'm told not to try to conceive until next month. Guess what, if I took your advice? I wouldn't have my beautiful healthy boy.

I have to strike while the fertility iron is hot.

1 out of 3. My body has contained more death than life. Or so it feels as I walk this walk again.

On repeat. "Nocturne" by The Marquis. Instrumental.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

CD1 miscarriage, poem

October 5, 2011


To me, you were born.
Your heart pounded.
You heard my voice.
You opened your eyes

and saw the dawn,
and the moon fading,
and the snow falling.

You stretched and grew,
and ran like a bird flies,
chasing sunshine with
invisible wings.

You sang loudly
off-key, and we
traveled on together.
You skinned your knees.
You laid in the grass
beneath fireworks
and held my hand.
You made me laugh.
Your heart yearned,
and your heart broke.
You ached and cried,
and lost your faith,
and gained it back again.
You let go of my hand,
but kept your wings.
And when the sun finally set,
you sang softly
off-key, and we
traveled on together.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

4w2d train coming

October 4, 2011

I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.

I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.

I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.

But now I'm spotting.

I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.

Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.

Monday, October 3, 2011

4w1d scared

October 3, 2011

My temperature dropped almost an entire degree. If history is any indication, this means miscarriage. Today.

Today I could lose a baby I barely had.

I saw the warning in Andy's eyes all weekend: Don't get too confident. Don't be too sure. It's too early.

As usual, he was right, but I'm not built for heeding this warning. You are my baby, you are here, you exist. You, the one inside of me, will always be the person I cannot keep at a distance, no matter how smart it would be, no matter how many times I tell myself that you may not survive. That chances are you won't.

Please. I'll beg you. I'll beg the universe. I'll beg God. But it feels like I'm talking in an empty room, standing alone here, with you.

Please don't leave. We only just found each other.

3w6d pregnant

October 1, 2011

I am pregnant.

I am pregnant!