I don't want to think about the disappointment I'll feel otherwise, so... I'll just deny that possibility for now. I NEVER FREAKING CHANGE, DO I?
See you in July, Baby Deuce.
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| Hello, beautiful temperature jump. |
Showing posts with label bbt. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bbt. Show all posts
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
1DPO confidence
October 19, 2011
This is Earth on the day that my second baby was conceived.
I don't want to think about the disappointment I'll feel otherwise, so... I'll just deny that possibility for now. I NEVER FREAKING CHANGE, DO I?
See you in July, Baby Deuce.
I don't want to think about the disappointment I'll feel otherwise, so... I'll just deny that possibility for now. I NEVER FREAKING CHANGE, DO I?
See you in July, Baby Deuce.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
4w2d train coming
October 4, 2011
I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.
I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.
I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.
But now I'm spotting.
I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.
Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.
I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.
I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.
I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.
But now I'm spotting.
I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.
Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.
Monday, October 3, 2011
4w1d scared
October 3, 2011
My temperature dropped almost an entire degree. If history is any indication, this means miscarriage. Today.
Today I could lose a baby I barely had.
I saw the warning in Andy's eyes all weekend: Don't get too confident. Don't be too sure. It's too early.
As usual, he was right, but I'm not built for heeding this warning. You are my baby, you are here, you exist. You, the one inside of me, will always be the person I cannot keep at a distance, no matter how smart it would be, no matter how many times I tell myself that you may not survive. That chances are you won't.
Please. I'll beg you. I'll beg the universe. I'll beg God. But it feels like I'm talking in an empty room, standing alone here, with you.
Please don't leave. We only just found each other.
My temperature dropped almost an entire degree. If history is any indication, this means miscarriage. Today.
Today I could lose a baby I barely had.
I saw the warning in Andy's eyes all weekend: Don't get too confident. Don't be too sure. It's too early.
As usual, he was right, but I'm not built for heeding this warning. You are my baby, you are here, you exist. You, the one inside of me, will always be the person I cannot keep at a distance, no matter how smart it would be, no matter how many times I tell myself that you may not survive. That chances are you won't.
Please. I'll beg you. I'll beg the universe. I'll beg God. But it feels like I'm talking in an empty room, standing alone here, with you.
Please don't leave. We only just found each other.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
10DPO negative
July 13, 2011
This is not the first post with that title. In both previous pregnancies, I received a negative test result on 10DPO, followed by a positive on 11DPO. Why did I bother testing today? Sentimentality. Eagerness. Lack of self control.
I told myself yesterday that if my BBT was elevated today, I would test. It was elevated (see chart), and I felt that first flutter of nerves in my stomach. It's been a long time since I felt that flutter, and the disappointment of the one lonely line on the test.
My rational side is ordering me to snap out of it. I never get an accurate result on 10DPO. And if the test is negative tomorrow? There's always the next cycle. And I won't have to worry about going into labor during the wedding of my step-sister-in-law.
Still... this whole thing has a dreamlike quality. Two years ago, it was all that consumed my thoughts -- my temperature chart, signs of pregnancy, test results.
Trying to conceive again feels like stepping into a memory.
3:45 p.m.: I don't want to jinx this crap, but on 10DPO last pregnancy, I made a 3:28 p.m. footnote that I felt hot and tired. And now it's 3:45 and I'm hot and tired. The "tired" isn't unusual, but the "hot" definitely is. I anxiously await tomorrow's test.
This is not the first post with that title. In both previous pregnancies, I received a negative test result on 10DPO, followed by a positive on 11DPO. Why did I bother testing today? Sentimentality. Eagerness. Lack of self control.
I told myself yesterday that if my BBT was elevated today, I would test. It was elevated (see chart), and I felt that first flutter of nerves in my stomach. It's been a long time since I felt that flutter, and the disappointment of the one lonely line on the test.
My rational side is ordering me to snap out of it. I never get an accurate result on 10DPO. And if the test is negative tomorrow? There's always the next cycle. And I won't have to worry about going into labor during the wedding of my step-sister-in-law.
Still... this whole thing has a dreamlike quality. Two years ago, it was all that consumed my thoughts -- my temperature chart, signs of pregnancy, test results.
Trying to conceive again feels like stepping into a memory.
3:45 p.m.: I don't want to jinx this crap, but on 10DPO last pregnancy, I made a 3:28 p.m. footnote that I felt hot and tired. And now it's 3:45 and I'm hot and tired. The "tired" isn't unusual, but the "hot" definitely is. I anxiously await tomorrow's test.
Sunday, August 22, 2010
Tribute
To the baby
I was never
to meet.
To the baby
who answered
endless months
of yearning.
To the baby
whom I cherished
in every moment
of its shaky existence.
To the baby
I'll never see
never hold
never name
never know,
whose presence was,
despite its brevity,
absolute.
To the baby
I still
one year later
feel.
To the baby
I couldn't save.
I love you.
Still.
August 5, 2009 (conception) - August 22, 2009 (miscarriage)
basal body temperature chart, baby number one
basal body temperature chart, Fletcher
to meet.
To the baby
who answered
endless months
of yearning.
To the baby
whom I cherished
in every moment
of its shaky existence.
To the baby
I'll never see
never hold
never name
never know,
whose presence was,
despite its brevity,
absolute.
To the baby
I still
one year later
feel.
To the baby
I couldn't save.
I love you.
Still.
August 5, 2009 (conception) - August 22, 2009 (miscarriage)
basal body temperature chart, baby number one
basal body temperature chart, FletcherMonday, December 7, 2009
15w 2d lists
I'm feeling no fetal movement, and I'm getting very impatient for it! (So what else is new, right?)
A list of all the things I'm impatient for:
Related to random thought patterns... I've been thinking about Biblical pregnant women. Namely, what must it have been like when Eve became pregnant for the first time? Had she observed enough of animals to instantly know what was happening to her? How did that labor go with literally only one other person on the planet to help?
Then there's Mary, the only pregnant virgin. We have some glimpses into her thoughts, but what must it have been like? Not only finding out you're impossibly pregnant and giving birth in a filthy barn next to smelly animals, but raising a child that's part you and part... God? The "Christ the Lord" series by Anne Rice gives very detailed accounts of what it may have been like for the boy/young man Jesus, but I'd like to have an even closer look at Mary than the Scriptures give. Perhaps Ms. Rice will oblige me with a prequel...
'Tis the season for a Christmas carol, I think. From "I Wonder as I Wander" as sung by Vanessa Williams.
A list of all the things I'm impatient for:
- Feeling early fetal movement... and kicking
- More "belly"
- Another ultrasound look at the baby
- Finding out the gender so I can stop thinking "it"
- An increase in temperature
- Finishing the baby registries, which I have (embarrassingly) already started online
- Making the big announcement
- Finishing the nursery
- Seeing the baby out here in the real world
- Seeing Andy become a father
- The little belly
- About four extra pounds
- The bad aftertaste to everything
- Constant hunger
- Some lingering fatigue, feels like *something* is sapping my available energy
- Frequent potty breaks
- Bad backaches, may or may not be baby-related
- A little change in balance
- A little forgetfulness/random thought pattern changes
- Lightheadedness/breathlessness/rapid heartbeat like I'm out of shape
Related to random thought patterns... I've been thinking about Biblical pregnant women. Namely, what must it have been like when Eve became pregnant for the first time? Had she observed enough of animals to instantly know what was happening to her? How did that labor go with literally only one other person on the planet to help?
Then there's Mary, the only pregnant virgin. We have some glimpses into her thoughts, but what must it have been like? Not only finding out you're impossibly pregnant and giving birth in a filthy barn next to smelly animals, but raising a child that's part you and part... God? The "Christ the Lord" series by Anne Rice gives very detailed accounts of what it may have been like for the boy/young man Jesus, but I'd like to have an even closer look at Mary than the Scriptures give. Perhaps Ms. Rice will oblige me with a prequel...
'Tis the season for a Christmas carol, I think. From "I Wonder as I Wander" as sung by Vanessa Williams.
I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die
For poor ordinary people like you and like I
I wonder as I wander out under the sky
When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven a starlight did fall
And the promise of ages, it then did recall
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
11DPO polarity
Negative.
Depending on the moment, I may be sure that I'm pregnant or sure that I'm not. There's no way off this roller coaster. Either I'm a glutton for punishment or there's simply no possible way to rein in the pleading wishes of a desperate person.
Why I am: My BBT jumped sky high this morning to 98.49. I could swear that when I took the test out in the sunlight and turned it just the right way and looked at it only in my peripheral vision, I could see just the lightest faintest pinkish second line. I'm also feeling some nausea and cramps.
Why I'm not: My temperature jumped that high two months ago when I wasn't pregnant, too. Any sane outsider would call my test "negative." Last month I had a visible positive on 11DPO. The nausea and cramps would be PMS, as it's too early for symptoms of any kind.
Put me out of my misery!
Depending on the moment, I may be sure that I'm pregnant or sure that I'm not. There's no way off this roller coaster. Either I'm a glutton for punishment or there's simply no possible way to rein in the pleading wishes of a desperate person.
Why I am: My BBT jumped sky high this morning to 98.49. I could swear that when I took the test out in the sunlight and turned it just the right way and looked at it only in my peripheral vision, I could see just the lightest faintest pinkish second line. I'm also feeling some nausea and cramps.
Why I'm not: My temperature jumped that high two months ago when I wasn't pregnant, too. Any sane outsider would call my test "negative." Last month I had a visible positive on 11DPO. The nausea and cramps would be PMS, as it's too early for symptoms of any kind.
Put me out of my misery!
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