How can the loss of something I barely had be so devastating? My future had been tied to that small life, and its end has destroyed me. It is the end of hope.
I have to grieve, accept, and get up each morning when I'd rather close my eyes and shut out everything that reminds me I once had a dream that came true.
Is there a limit to how much happiness a person is allowed to feel? I took too much pure joy for myself this past week. It couldn't be allowed to last. It had made the universe off balance. I had to suffer in equal measure.
Last night, we got together with four friends whom I met through my husband. Matt and Tiffanie, a truly awesome couple, shared their own struggle with me. It was very comforting, and I am so thankful for them. Their two beautiful children are proof that miscarriage is an ending, but not the ending.
As my husband said to me, "We are not the first people this has happened to." After crying almost straight through a five-hour period of time yesterday, this made me want to smack him. But he is, of course, right. He usually is, and he is good at grounding me when I am off in an unhealthy place. I am a very lucky woman to have him at my side.
So I will get out of bed today. Eventually. Some of my time will be spent crying, some of it feeling numb to everything, but I will go through the motions of the day.
Tomorrow, I receive the results of the blood tests that were done the day before my excruciating miscarriage, day one of yet another cycle. Will they be able to see the tragedy that had been coming? Or will the nurse call and congratulate me? Will I be able to not burst into tears when I tell her it's all over? I plan to meet with the doctor or request more tests during this new cycle. I'm tired of wondering and wasting time. I want to know for certain if something is wrong with my ability to sustain a pregnancy.
For now, I am enduring. There is no other choice.
"Not As We," by the amazing Alanis Morissette.
Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we
Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
With not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we
Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray he wants to lose
Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we.
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