Monday, August 24, 2009

CD3 anger

Part of me has gone cold and mean.

I was at a birthday party yesterday for Andy's niece Lily, who turned three. At one point, Andy's grandmother turned to me and said, "Have you heard the good news?"

Immediately, I knew. Andy's (biological) cousin had, in a roundabout way, wound up marrying Andy's step-cousin. They are pregnant. They haven't even been married a year yet.

A rushing sound flooded my ears and I nearly lost it in this odd sort of panic. Andy came over then, and I said, "Did you hear? They're pregnant." He told me later that the disappointment I felt was obvious on my face. I have never been a good actress.

They are due in the same month that I was supposed to be due.

Without saying anything else, I tried to casually walk to the bathroom before breaking down. As I had hoped, Andy followed me and let me hang on to him while I cried. After he went back to the party, I stayed in the bathroom for a little while trying to figure out what was happening to me.

Was I so petty that I couldn't be happy for two wonderful people who deserved happiness? I like them both very much. Was this just jealousy? I've thought about it a lot, and the answer isn't exact. Nothing in this situation is black and white.

But I have figured out the crux of the matter. It is that I will never experience pure happiness again.

During that one week, I was 100 percent happy. Pure joy. Now that that is gone, it is gone for good. Because even if I do get pregnant again, I will be living in a climate of fear. It's tainted now. I've been cheated of my happiness.

I assume this couple has it all -- they're able to enjoy their pregnancy with this complete joy that's been stolen from me.

Yes, it is jealousy. It's rage at the feeling of unfairness. It's anger with things that are out of my control. It's "why me?". It's knowing that what is lost will never completely be found again. So it's truly a kind of death.

It's self-absorbed and depressing and petty and snide. How can I get rid of this? I feel ugly and dirty.

There's no way to know exactly what will happen next. Maybe I will ovulate soon, or maybe it'll be another couple months before I'm back to "normal." I'd like to be pregnant again as soon as possible, but the health of a future infant is my main concern, and I haven't discussed the effects of miscarriage with a doctor yet.

The second pregnancy will be different from the first in a number of ways. Living each day with the fear of another miscarriage will have its effects. This time, I won't be eager to tell anyone right away. I won't want to constantly talk about it with Andy. I won't be able to accept, in my heart, that I'm pregnant until at least the second trimester.

If I embrace it, it will hurt too much when it ends.

Now I'm back at the beginning, waiting, starting from scratch, constantly conscious of the utterly slow passing of time, with the addition of this terrible pain keeping me company in every moment.

Enough. I've had my fill of this depression. I want to be the happy wife that Andy deserves. All I can do is try. I can try to block this out from my mind. While I can't pretend that the pregnancy didn't happen, I can try to be hopeful. The hope is tainted, but it's there, and I must find a way to focus on it.

And I will focus on my husband, who is the best man I know. Last night I apologized for my lack of "intimate" feelings at the moment, saying I at least wanted to wait until the cramping subsided. His response? That that's okay because he's saving it all up for our next try.

He is my hope and my humor and my happy. I love him completely.

Tomorrow is our second wedding anniversary. I received a card from my aunt that said, "Hope this coming year will be a continuation of your dreams coming true." How could she know that that's exactly right?

I must remember that this is all just a continuation of our dreams coming true. And I must hope.

From "Missing You" by Jem:
Tell me it's not happening
Say it's not as it seems
Tell me that I'm going to wake up
It's just a bad dream
Please tell me that it's fiction
Tell me it's just a lie
Whatever you choose to tell me
Please say he didn't die

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