Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.One positive result of the ordeal (for me, anyway) is that Andy is almost as eager now as I am for a successful pregnancy. The way he put it, this was like a failure, and he feels the need to prove that we can do it right.
Whatever gets him involved is fine by me. I didn't want to admit to myself before that his nonchalant attitude hurt. It shouldn't have -- there's nothing wrong with feeling like "if it happens, it happens." But I (secretly?) really wanted him to feel as strongly as I felt. Like this whole decision is huge and exciting and really desired.
So this adds a nice little positive to combat the negative. I'm not alone with my craving.
But the heavy sadness and bulky impatience are twisted tightly around each other, inseparable, unbreakable, growing in strength. It ties me tighter every day. At moments it will pull at me without any warning, squeezing my chest until I can't breathe. I have no choice but to endure and wait. No alternative. Nothing to do in the meantime. Nothing even to numb me, anymore. A bit like Bella's New Moon night terrors, there's nothing but nothing.
"Numb" by Sia.
I saw you cry today
The pain may fill you
I saw you shy away
The pain will not kill you
You made me smile today
You spoke with many voices
We traveled miles today
Shared expressions voiceless
It has to end
Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you
It has to end to begin
Began an end today
Gave and got given
You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit
It has to end to begin
Living in your head
Without anything to numb you
Living on the edge
Without anything to numb you
It has begun
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