Friday, August 21, 2009

4w 2d scare

I had a lighthearted post almost finished for today, outlining the symptoms I've experienced so far.

I'm not feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

One such symptom, cramping, I've had for several days. Since around the time of my first positive test, in fact. It didn't worry me because this cramping felt different than my usual PMS.

That changed a little today. The cramping became a little more like what I'm used to, more localized and "serious." I became a little worried.

When I spotted, I became hysterical. Luckily it was my lunch hour and I was home, alone, where it didn't matter how loud I sobbed.

"Please, don't do this to me," I kept saying. I think I was talking to God.

The spotting wasn't obvious. I didn't stain any clothing. But during the trip to the restroom, I saw what I usually see on the day before a new cycle, and it felt as if my life had suddenly and completely collapsed. For a while, I couldn't function.

Once I calmed down a little, I decided to take the advice of my nurse friend. I went in for blood work this afternoon. Now I'm stuck waiting for results.

But I'm hopeful once more -- At the end of the day, I fell back on my old standby. When in doubt, pee on a stick. It wasn't the suggested first morning urine, but I couldn't resist.

I got my darkest positive yet. This doesn't mean that something dire is not in progress with the delicate life that I carry. But, for now, I have the hormones I'm supposed to have, and I'll face tomorrow when it comes. It's not like I have a choice.

As a side note, I've always taken a lot of comfort in finding (or stumbling across) a song that suits my current emotional climate, especially when I'm in turmoil. Here are lyrics from the song that owns today... "Sleep" by Anousheh Khalili.

Steady now,
Your body's caving in.
Shoulders out,
Let the ground know who's standing on him.
You're not better now,
Just monumentally more fit
To tell me how to make it to the end of all this.

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