Tuesday, August 25, 2009

CD4 guilt

I met with my regular doctor, who said everything looks good and normal and fine. Except that maybe I should eat some ice cream because I'm "on the slender side" and some extra saturated fat and calories might convince my body that it has what it needs to take care of a baby.


I'm trying to stop myself from going down the I-wasn't-eating-right-so-it's-my-fault path. But I don't know how. Could my baby have survived if I hadn't been keeping my calories low? I'd been obsessed with being healthy, but also with staying thin. Did my vanity do this?

I can't change it. I can't bring back that life that had been so real, if only to me. Now there is nothing in me to take care of or protect or worry about. There's just nothing. And now I'm supposed to eat ice cream? It seems comical, but I'll do anything.

The doctor said that sometimes a miscarriage is the kickstart a body needs for a successful pregnancy. And now I have the name of the obstetrician I'm to see if we experience another miscarriage.

Another miscarriage feels almost... likely. Am I, at heart, a pessimist? Does failure just seem more real and logical to me now, because it is what I know? Will I survive it?

Still, my impatience for the next step is growing growing growing.

Today is my second wedding anniversary. I love you, hubby. Even without this baby, my world carries on because I have you.

From "Last of Days" by A Fine Frenzy.
I built myself a castle on the beach
Watching as it slid into the sea

The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same

I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days

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