I'm too tired not to be lazy

I don't know if I'm lazy or not. The true answer is probably sometimes.

Regarding my home, I'm suddenly out of time to do everything that needed doing. A potential buyer is coming tomorrow and we aren't ready. It isn't just the basics (like picking up toys and cleaning the counters) that aren't done. Major gardening that should've been started in spring (and maintained) never was. Now it's too late and we have no choice but to be the house with more weeds than grass.

I haven't hung that shelf. The windows haven't been washed since we moved in. If the realtor opens any closet doors, he runs the risk of a booby-trap-style collapse of the excess that I haphazardly stashed away. I haven't deep cleaned the kitty litter pans.

It would be a fantastic feeling to catch up on all of this and have a beautiful, clean home. So why wasn't it on my top priorities before now, when it's too late? When I look at my priorities, I feel guilty. I'm a good mom, but I'm capable of more. I could do a better job of juggling.

I can only assume the price would be even more fatigue, and I'm just so damn tired all the time as it is. I can't concentrate on anything. I get headaches. My energy level is only mediocre.

But I could stay up past the toddler's bedtime every night and do at least one extra household-y thing (in addition to picking up the toys, washing baby dishes, sometimes scooping kitty litter, and getting ready for bed).

Would it be worth it?

CD4 guilt

I met with my regular doctor, who said everything looks good and normal and fine. Except that maybe I should eat some ice cream because I'm "on the slender side" and some extra saturated fat and calories might convince my body that it has what it needs to take care of a baby.

?

I'm trying to stop myself from going down the I-wasn't-eating-right-so-it's-my-fault path. But I don't know how. Could my baby have survived if I hadn't been keeping my calories low? I'd been obsessed with being healthy, but also with staying thin. Did my vanity do this?

I can't change it. I can't bring back that life that had been so real, if only to me. Now there is nothing in me to take care of or protect or worry about. There's just nothing. And now I'm supposed to eat ice cream? It seems comical, but I'll do anything.

The doctor said that sometimes a miscarriage is the kickstart a body needs for a successful pregnancy. And now I have the name of the obstetrician I'm to see if we experience another miscarriage.

Another miscarriage feels almost... likely. Am I, at heart, a pessimist? Does failure just seem more real and logical to me now, because it is what I know? Will I survive it?

Still, my impatience for the next step is growing growing growing.

Today is my second wedding anniversary. I love you, hubby. Even without this baby, my world carries on because I have you.

From "Last of Days" by A Fine Frenzy.

I built myself a castle on the beach
Watching as it slid into the sea

The world carries on without you
But nothing remains the same

I'll be lost without you
Until the last of days