Friday, December 21, 2012

Until we dead it, forget it, let it all disappear

Telling the doctor I'm giving up the drugs feels a lot like giving up my last hope. I had wanted a full family, maybe three kids, and it would appear that's too much to ask for, and the anger and helplessness of having no choice completely throws me. I'm thrown.

I'm amazed every time I'm with Fletcher at how fast it's going, how's he's not a baby, how so very soon he won't even be a kid anymore. Maybe having more babies wouldn't change how that feels, how it wrenches me. But a big section of the pain is being forced to believe that this is it. This is it. This is everything.

From Waiting for the End by Linkin Park

Waiting for the end to come
Wishing I had strength to stand
This is not what I had planned
It's out of my control
Flying at the speed of light
Thoughts were spinning in my head
So many things were left unsaid
It's hard to let you go

I know what it takes to move on
I know how it feels to lie
All I want to do
Is trade this life for something new
Holding on to what I haven't got

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