4w 4d epoch

I had one pregnancy test left, so I figured I might as well use it. The line this morning was as dark and thick as is absolutely possible. What a wonderful way to end the pee-stick era.

This pregnancy officially has lasted longer than my first. Will I stop thinking constantly about miscarriage now? Can I stop wondering and worrying at every cramp? I don't have an answer to that yet.

I was thinking this morning that my life can be divided by decades. My life as a small child was in the 1980s (age 0-8), as an older child was in the 1990s (age 8-18), and as a young adult was in the 2000s (age 18-28). Now my life as the mother of a small child, a new epoch, will be in the 20-teens. I'm happy to say I'll still be 27 when the baby is born in May or June 2010. That's only a year older than my parents were when they had me.

It's like standing on the edge of a cliff with the decision to jump already made. Now I have to rock back on my heels and wait there for eight more months. It feels like a long wait from where I stand now, though I know that it will fly by. Although I can't prevent my imagination from plunging me daily into daydreams of finally having my infant, I'll enjoy life for what it is at the moment, while I still can. I'll do some writing, go to movies and out to eat, and generally enjoy being my own boss for just a little while longer, if I can.

From "It's Over" by Lisa Loeb.

Too much to ask for
May leave me feeling lonely
But too little
Leaves me nothing, nothing...
Are we still solemn and bleeding?
Are we still swimming to water that was already wet?

4w 3d disbelief

I keep telling myself, "You're having a baby!" and still I can barely believe it. I've been trying to remember back to when I was a little girl, dreaming about having a baby or being pregnant. My earliest memories are always with my old neighbor/best friend. It's surprising and warming to know that she is now the mother of two girls.

I have poor recollection of my little girl imaginings, but it's still a pleasure to think about going back in time and meeting my child-self, skinny and awkward, dark-haired and buck-toothed. I would tell her all about the pregnancy, the excitement and fear and happiness. I wonder what she would think of the woman that she has become.

I'm having a baby. I'm having a baby!

Many things need to be thought through now. Typical me -- I'm probably going to start making lists soon... A list of things we need to buy or put on the registry. Lists of our current and projected finances and spending. I'll finish the calendar of doctor appointments and milestones like when the heart starts beating (later this week!), when its major organs will be formed (Halloween!), when I'll start to show, when we'll know the gender, when I might start to feel it moving and kicking.

I'm dying to get organized and "nest" the house. I really want to set up the baby's room, but it's too early for that. For one thing, we don't have any furniture for the baby. For another, we aren't going to be telling anyone until Thanksgiving or Christmas, so it may seem suspicious to start setting up the room. So it's one more thing to wonder and dream about.

I can barely wait for our first real doctor appointment (October 5). And the next few months waiting to find out the gender are going to kill me! Last night Andy told me that it's a girl. He was just being funny, but I wonder...

Tomorrow we have a "shared medical appointment," before which I'll get my bloodwork done. I actually had fun giving the nurse my medical history on the phone today and talking about symptoms. I'm not viewing tomorrow as a real doctor appointment; it'll be a group of other first-time pregnancies talking with nurses. I'm excited, though, because it might make things seem a little more real for my husband, who doesn't have the constant bodily reminders that I have.

Fatigue and heartburn can now be added to the nausea, hunger, bloating, and lightheadedness. What a combination. Andy said last night that he doesn't understand women who don't know they're pregnant until later. It's true; if they have symptoms like I do, it's obvious.

4w 1d poem

breach

In this moment, the atmosphere stirs.
Rainclouds whisper, tracing the shape
of the bulbous earth, at every horizon beginning
and pressing out into the galaxy,
a glass bowl overturned.

The air moves through me.
The grass shivers and breathes beneath me.
The depth of the sky is breached
by the reach of my seeking hand as I
cull a single star to be my own.

In this moment, the atmosphere drifts.
I lay still and quiet as it moves,
folding my hands like a prayer
over my fragile, grounded star
while tomorrow stretches across the glass sky.