Friday, May 21, 2010

38w 4d wait

Last night was a milestone of sorts, if you can count such things as milestones. It was the first time I felt I've reached the stage that (dictated by common sense) every pregnant woman must reach – the stage of major discomfort.

I am really, mercilessly, exhaustively uncomfortable. Whether sitting, standing, walking, doing stairs, carrying something, trying to sleep, bending down, using the restroom, cooking, petting the cats, attempting to get out of bed... I'm just plain uncomfortable and tired.

And it's not merely physical. I'm tired of my brain, of thinking about labor and wishing for labor and being scared of labor. My dad asked me last night if I was starting to get scared, and I didn't bother sugarcoating the truth when I blurted, "Yes." So many aspects of this moment and the next moment and the moment after that are bone-deep scary.

Still, I want it – I want to be in the throes of the main event and the euphoria that comes after. Of all the things to be scared of, and there are many, the biggest fear is something will go wrong with the baby. The second biggest? The wait.

I can't stand the suspense, and I can't stop the thoughts that swirl around and through every nuance of this situation. Why does it matter whether the baby comes tonight or in three weeks? Why does it matter if my body does what it's supposed to do or if I have to be induced?

I'm stunned by the similarities between the very beginning of pregnancy and the very end. Could I be pregnant? vs. Could I be in labor? ... When will I get a positive test? vs. When will I hold our baby? ... What can I do to make pregnancy happen? vs. What can I do to make labor happen? ... What if I can't get pregnant naturally? vs. What if I can't go into labor naturally? Both processes are long long long and exhausting. This one just has the added fun of the physically uncomfortable stage.

A month before we began trying to conceive, I wrote something about my frustration, wishing we could get things started. I didn't imagine, at the time, how much it would apply to me 18 or so months later.
In the Wait

In the wait
as if perched on a branch
wings trapped to my sides
wishing one swift wind
would carry me
into my life

On the upside... Hello, single digits countdown!

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