Monday, September 19, 2011

1DPO powerlessness

September 19, 2011

One day post ovulation. This is it. Either conception is happening right now, or my ovum is dying. And absolutely nothing I do now can affect whether a life is created or... nothing.

Each cycle, this is always a strange day. Interesting... yet boring. Exciting in its possibilities... yet frustrating in its powerlessness.

While I'm trying to conceive, time every day is set aside for "managing" fertility – time spent taking my BBT and charting it on a graph, monitoring CM, noting cramps and other symptoms, investigating my LPD and treatment options. It's excessive, and I do it so that I have control.

For the rest of my cycle, having no control over anything is beyond difficult.

I Googled "powerlessness" out of curiosity. What better way to take control of it? I learned that feelings of powerlessness may cause depression, anxiety, outbursts of anger, alienation from others, or physical symptoms. My interpretation of the four steps for dealing with it is: realize that powerlessness does not always equal hopelessness, admit powerlessness, evaluate where you are, and find out where you're going.

The only step I have a hard time with today is the first. Hope should be the wonderful thing about 1 DPO, but it has let me down many times. I have no power, I am forced into waiting yet again, and the only good thing I have – hope – is going to come back and bite me.

1 DPO. 10 days to go. Tick tock.

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