Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Buying power

Oh what a running theme it is. It's hard wanting something you can't have, but especially when it's within reach.

I've spent much time and energy trying to conceive and wanting medical help toward that goal. When I finally have my doctor's attention, I'm faced with insurance coverage that doesn't actually cover anything.

I put effort into being satisfied where money is concerned. I've fought my way into not having expensive tastes, not needing fancy vacations, fancy cars, a big house, or name brand anything. But to find out that the baby I really do want is on the other side of expensive tests makes me crazy.

Maybe it's because I don't understand why it's so expensive for a half hour of a doctor's time and an x-ray. And that dredges up the ugliness I repress, the bitter person who hates the rich for not knowing what it's like. For how easy it must be.

For making it true that something I want so much can be bought, just not by me.

I'm being dramatic. I have a job. I'm not homeless. Eventually I'll get the test and pay the money and let the stress of wondering how to pay the mortgage on my little hole in the ground compound. And I'll fight to forget that so many people don't have this problem, because so many more people are currently unable to buy life-saving treatment. Angry thoughts give way to sad thoughts and the world keeps turning.

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