4 weeks glory

It's CD28, and there's no period in sight. I'm being good and waiting until tomorrow morning to use another pee stick. This morning my BBT skyrocketed to a record 98.68. I grinned all through my shower.

My body won't let me forget for very long that it's harboring my little secret. Right now, it feels like fire has been set to my guts. A shockingly strong desire to eat coexists with feeling like I'm going to vomit. It makes no sense! My hips and thighs are achy and demanding to be stretched, and I've unbuttoned my favorite pair of loose jeans because I can't take the pressure.

Happy is a weak word. I am glorious.

From "New Heights" by A Fine Frenzy.

The calm of turbulent seas, fallen to sleep
And when the troubles arise, we hold on tight
How can a body contain something so great
My shell may suddenly burst
Out will come birds

3w 6d potency

I'm really pregnant. Yee hee!

It may not be as dark as the control line, but still... it's pretty dark compared to what I've seen. (This picture doesn't do the actual test justice!)

I have a really hard time believing that symptoms don't start until week six, and that this is all in my head. I've had major non-stop cramps all day, from my ribs down to my you-know-what. I didn't know that area could feel cramps. And with my primary dysmenorrhea, I'm an EXPERT on severe cramping. This isn't severe, just really distracting. And exciting.

And the nausea! No vomiting, although it certainly feels like a future possibility. Is it sick that I want to throw up? It would be something quantifiable, a way to say that this pregnancy has the potency that the last one didn't.

That's what today's test feels like -- evidence of potency. My baby and I have fight in us, so stay away, evil menstruation!

I'm going to be a mommy!

3w 5d fighter

I can't make it very long before I need to look again at the faint positive from this morning. My self-control in all aspects of this situation is tenuous.

I was both right and wrong about how it would feel... I thought I'd never experience pure happiness again. That's wrong, because I do feel the full extent of happiness once more. It's unbelievable. It's too much to be contained in words.

But what I predicted is also true, because the happiness isn't "pure." While it is as full and powerful as before, I was correct in thinking it would be tainted. I thought I'd be living each day with the fear of another miscarriage -- and that doesn't BEGIN to cover it.

This is the most scared I've ever been. I'm scared to move, scared to make plans, scared to dream, scared to blink in case I open my eyes and it's over. Have I been cheated? Yes, of my ignorance. I'm jealous all over again of pregnant women who can immerse themselves in the happiness with the fears being nothing more than background noise.

Will it make me tough? Yes, an unexpected side effect. I may be terrified, but I feel like a fighter, like a boxer bouncing on his toes and pounding his gloves together. The high level anxiety is matched by fierce determination.

Still, it's like a clock's incessant ticking: miscarriage... miscarriage... miscarriage... tick... tick... tick... I can't concentrate but for thoughts that's it's coming, that I have to prepare myself for it, that I'm going to have to find a way to survive it. Tick... tick... tick...

From "Loneliest Star" by Seal.

I'm free and I'm young
I'm the loneliest star from the sun
And I feel that I'm close to the one
Who will stop me from coming undone

With your love
I know that I could be the best with
With your love
I know that I can take a risk with
With your love
I could fly with your love
With your love
If anyone would try and mess with
With your love
You and I would be possessed with
With your love
I would die for your love
With your love

[Return to introduction post.]