Wednesday, September 16, 2009

3w 5d fighter

I can't make it very long before I need to look again at the faint positive from this morning. My self-control in all aspects of this situation is tenuous.

I was both right and wrong about how it would feel... I thought I'd never experience pure happiness again. That's wrong, because I do feel the full extent of happiness once more. It's unbelievable. It's too much to be contained in words.

But what I predicted is also true, because the happiness isn't "pure." While it is as full and powerful as before, I was correct in thinking it would be tainted. I thought I'd be living each day with the fear of another miscarriage -- and that doesn't BEGIN to cover it.

This is the most scared I've ever been. I'm scared to move, scared to make plans, scared to dream, scared to blink in case I open my eyes and it's over. Have I been cheated? Yes, of my ignorance. I'm jealous all over again of pregnant women who can immerse themselves in the happiness with the fears being nothing more than background noise.

Will it make me tough? Yes, an unexpected side effect. I may be terrified, but I feel like a fighter, like a boxer bouncing on his toes and pounding his gloves together. The high level anxiety is matched by fierce determination.

Still, it's like a clock's incessant ticking: miscarriage... miscarriage... miscarriage... tick... tick... tick... I can't concentrate but for thoughts that's it's coming, that I have to prepare myself for it, that I'm going to have to find a way to survive it. Tick... tick... tick...

From "Loneliest Star" by Seal.
I'm free and I'm young
I'm the loneliest star from the sun
And I feel that I'm close to the one
Who will stop me from coming undone

With your love
I know that I could be the best with
With your love
I know that I can take a risk with
With your love
I could fly with your love
With your love
If anyone would try and mess with
With your love
You and I would be possessed with
With your love
I would die for your love
With your love

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