CD13 lethargy

Finally, something's happening. Fertile CM and cramps on the left side have made this a good day -- ovulation, here we come. I'm grateful when my body does what it's supposed to do.

I've been obsessed with bodily inner workings for several months now, but this is the first time I've had pain associated with impending ovulation. An effect of the pregnancy/miscarriage changes? I don't know, but I'll take it.

I remain... fuzzy. I wish I could snap out of that.

My second greatest desire (after having a baby) is writing fiction. I have ideas and initiative and it's always on my mind, but I can't seem to get going. Today it's because I lingered late at work, then tinkered around with dinner, and so on. In my heart I'm bursting with enthusiasm. Yet the rest of me is lost in a fog. There's no energy to do what my heart wants to do.

Part of the problem is in the details. Do I have too many broad ideas and nothing pinned down? Are opposing ideas getting mixed together and confused? Is my brain a sieve, leaking all the finer points as soon as they've been thought?

The other part of the problem is just me and my constant companion, lethargy. Even my grieving feels distant; the fog separates me from it. When will I feel like me again? Or is this the new me, forever altered, and I need to start dealing with it? I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a week.

Sometimes, I just don't care about anything.

"Fistful of Handshakes" by Anousheh Khalili.

I`ve reached the point where nothing is savored
Just scrutinized for enlisting in the race
And I`ve reached the point where vanity blazes
Just quietly enough to sense my praise

And all in all there`s nothing as tired as a fistful of handshakes
Made to live and die a lie
I`m at the point where I`m barely enough for myself
To keep my hands and chords alive

And they`re falling off again, my friend
Think they`ll come running back in time?
And they`re falling off
And firmly bound to seek someone with a little more fight

I`ve reached the point where my nervous stages
Climb their cages despite their insufferable plight
I`m at the point where my energy is waving slowly
Neither hello or goodbye

And all in all there`s nothing as broken as a misshapen word thrown out
With nothing left to say
I`m at the point where I`m barely enough for myself

And they`re falling off again, my friend
Think they`ll come running back in time?
And they`re falling off
And firmly bound to seek someone with a little more fight