Wednesday, September 9, 2009

7DPO fear

Even when I'm so busy I can barely breathe, the wait is slow and unchanging. Each new moment is as unanswered as the last.

In four days, I'll test for the first time since the miscarriage. I'm scared through.

There are stretches of time where I forget what it was like. Then I remember. Happiness like I've never known before, powerful, complete, a living dream, as tied to my beating heart as I was.

What will I do if that's gone, and my heart just keeps on beating for me alone? A negative test will kill off another part of me. There won't be much left. I can't go back to the mere frustration I felt in the months of nothing before the pregnancy. It's all or nothing now. A life or a kind of death.

From "Little Earthquakes" by Tori Amos.
I can't reach you
Give me life
Give me pain
Give me myself again

Oh these little earthquakes
Here we go again
These little earthquakes
Doesn't take much to rip us into pieces

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