Monday, September 7, 2009

3DPO wait

Three days post ovulation, and we're back to waiting. Will it happen this month? Would I rather become pregnant and lose it again, or (option two) have nothing happen at all?

Even after all the pain and depression, I would go with the first. It would be something, progress. A reason to seek help and find success that much faster.

I'm scared to consider option three. Not because it's too frightening, but because it's too wanted. A lasting pregnancy, a healthy baby.

I'm irritated with everyone today. I wish I wasn't. I'm taking it out on Andy when he's the one person I should be holding onto with both hands. Losing him is unthinkable. Why do holidays bring out the worst in me? It's Labor Day; I should be happy I have a day off right now. But I have a million things to do and a headache the size of Montana and no motivation for any of it. I've never been a huge homemaker, but I feel more tired than usual. That's been a running theme here, I know.

Andy says I'm being difficult but he still loves me. I'm grateful for what I have. I'll be better, as better as I can be.

To my friends who have offered support, thank you. It helps more than I can put into words.

From "Wait" by Sarah McLachlan...
Pressed up against the glass
I found myself wanting sympathy
But to be consumed again, oh I know,
Would be the death of me
And there is a love that's inherently given
A kind of blindness offered to appease
And in that light of forbidden joy, oh I know,
I won't receive it

When all we wanted was the dream
To have and to hold that precious little thing
Like every generation yields
The newborn hope unjaded by their years

You know if I leave you now
It doesn't mean that I love you any less
It's just the state I'm in
I can't be good to anyone else like this

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