Tuesday, August 17, 2010

12w 2d sun

Ready for the cliche? He's growing up so fast! I mean... Holy drool-pile, batman! Is it possible to be teething already? He is 13 pounds, 11.5 ounces of cuteness. He's started to work on figuring out those hands, and he definitely has the whole shove-hand-in-mouth thing down.

His feet are garnering some attention as well, and he's discovered the joy of splashing those feet in the water during bath time.

Before I had him, I imagined I was going to wish he could talk to me, tell me what he wants. But I discovered today that I'd rather be able to talk to him, to tell him exactly what he means to me. To all of us. I began with a letter, below.

not a morning person?

Dear Fletcher,

When you're older, will you know what you mean to me? If you could take the years of my life and look at them like the rings in a tree trunk, everyone would be able to see the moment you entered into existence. That ring would suddenly shine, bright gold, like the sun.

The rings will continue to change in color and shape and texture. You won't be able to remember these first years of your life, but I'm holding myself responsible for their preservation. Can my memory hold? Will the memories be enough, someday when you're grown up and gone? Tonight, I am watching you sleep, and all I can think is that you are my life.

Per our routine, I came home on my lunch hour today to feed you, and you smiled at me the whole time. You made funny noises and held a whole conversation with me that way. Your eyes lit up when we looked at each other and I'm sure that I've never felt this glow inside until you were there. My little sun, making me glow.

When you're older, it won't be quite this way, quite this barrier-free. But I hope we can have a close relationship. Even when you've grown and moved out and moved on, I hope you'll recognize the way you light me up inside, the way your smile makes the world better.

When you're older, will you know that you came from a great love? It seems like it's more common than not for marriages to fall apart today. I want to spend the rest of my life with your father, hand in hand, heart in heart. I can't imagine not feeling that way, not wanting him with me through every stage of life I have left to live. I don't know what I'd do without his partnership and responsible nature, his common sense and humor, the way he is just exactly the father I want for you, the husband I want for me.

When I walk in the door and I see the two of you, looking at each other or laughing at each other or him holding you while you sleep, it's like every restless thought in my head and every sliver of panic and worry wedged inside me vanishes. Because there you both are, the loves of my life, and I have everything I didn't even realize I needed.

I hope you'll always know what a light you are to everyone around you. To everyone who has looked at you, held you, smiled and laughed with you. You light us up. You have us captured. You are loved.

No comments:

Post a Comment