affected

There is a guy I once knew thought I knew. There are victims. There is a lengthy prison sentence. Because there are victims, and I'm not one of them, it isn't my story to tell.

It changes things, though, when that horrible story about that horrible person is no longer separate and distant and anonymous. This is a person who was in my wedding, for pete's sake. Now it's there, lodged in my brain. How could he do it?

I don't mean to be vague and teasing. It's a story I feel the need to discuss, but cannot take ownership of, so it's a hard line to walk.

Why has it affected me, when he wasn't a close friend of mine? Just an acquaintance, really. The story has several dark and horrible facets, but one detail sticks with me. One detail is the reason I can't let go of this with a "oh, that's so terrible."

He has a baby boy.

It's none of my business. But.

In my head, I speculate. That cherubic boy is better off without his father, now that we know the ugliness inside him, right? I'm sure his mother and other family members provide all the love he could need. He may procure a wonderful stepfather. One way or another, I'm sure he has been hurt and will be hurt by the situation, but my thoughts are all hopeful for him.

But. How could he do it?

How could he be so selfish, and yet give up the one thing that I'm most selfish about?

How could a parent ever betray the child that came from him, the child he saw born into this world by the woman he vowed to love? The child who needed him? The child he should, himself, have needed? Even if he no longer wanted to be with his wife (no one knows), how could he make decisions that would surely take him away from his child?

I'm physically ill at the thought of ever hurting, losing, betraying my family. I need them. Do I need my husband and baby too much? I think I named my blog "obsession" because I wonder if I'm too dependent and needy. Whether the betrayer or the betrayed, I would not survive this horror story if it came home to me.