Wednesday, March 30, 2011

so long, farewell, auf wiedersehen, good night

Although I love every stage so far, the first three or six months of babyhood were my favorite. I took for granted that all that hugging and holding and cuddling would last.

It used to be that after coaxing Fletcher into sleep (nursing) at nap times and bedtime, I'd need to burp him before laying him in his cradle or crib. Somewhere along the way, this small minute or two became a highlight of my day as he snuggled against me and I rocked back and forth, back and forth, occasionally singing our lullaby ("Stay Awake" from Mary Poppins) if he was having trouble falling asleep.

It was how I would say goodnight to him. It was how he would say goodnight to me. I blinked and he grew up, at least that's how it feels, and now we've lost our goodnight.

He sleeps a lot, and when he's awake he's either insanely active or pitifully tired. When it's nap time or bedtime, he wants to go straight from nursing to the crib and will cry if I try to hold him or rock him. It makes me feel less like mommy and more like a really big bottle, necessary but impersonal.

That's the only time, though. Normally he makes it very clear that he knows me and wants me around. As in all things, if you want the good you have to take the bad with it. For instance, with each amazing ability he acquires comes a whole new world of trouble he can get into.

...For instance, we may have lost our ritual goodnight, but Fletcher just learned how to wave goodbye.

From "Giving It Up For You" by Holly Brook:
Tell me what do you think of me now
That I've traded all my armor for a crown
Come on what do you do with me now
That I've taken down the mirror on the wall
And the sweet rain is ready to fall
I'm giving it up for you

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