Suffering

I don't know why children get sick on holidays. I only know that I love my son more than my own life and his suffering is killing me. I will clean up gallons of vomit and dozens of terrible diapers. I will lay awake at 2 am on Christmas morning listening to his constant whimpering downstairs with his father. And I will never stop hurting until he's well again.

Ho fricking ho

I don't know how I feel about Christmas this year. We have an insane schedule as always, and I have a sort of resigned determination to pull it all off -- the tree-decorating, gift-buying, gift-wrapping, card-sending, cookie-baking, tray-making, driving-celebrating-driving-naptime-driving-celebrating nightmare that is this holiday.

It must all be accomplished. In a handful of days. With a toddler.

So far, it's been a bumpy road. I put 1,862 lights on the Christmas tree, plugged it in, and the middle of the tree was dark. (It is no longer a "Christmas tree" but a "Fricking Christmas Tree.") I baked two batches of cookies, decided I need to go on a diet, and gave them all away. Of course, now, Saturday I'm in charge of bringing cookies (as well as sausage, cheese, and crackers) to the first of many Christmas parties to come, and have a window of only a few hours to bake, do laundry, and wrap presents tonight, since tomorrow night is earmarked for light-seeing with grandparents.

Ho fricking ho, everyone!

Diaper tree courtesy of Fletch

photos

Late, random, out of order photos.

baby rump

hi!


buddies




looking for loose change


mommy's boy


family




night-night


pillow monster




what happens when you grab a blanket corner and roll


reaching for a cold one


bow head




best present = wrapping paper


a gift from daddy






daddy's boy





official 7 month photo

two weeks in photos

letting it all hang out on thanksgiving

from left to right: grandpa tom, fletcher, random scary old lady, great-grandma katie

walker, making it work

daddy loves sleepy baby

video games tire him out

an oops photo that i have decided is "artistic"

piggyback

does his cap fit yet? maybe not.

yum. cat.

whoooaaa, dude

a drink after a hard day's work

*slurp*

Ten things that didn't suck but now they suck just a little bit

10) Office Lunches. Free food isn't worth going ten hours without the baby and having to add another session with the breast pump to my work day.

9) Pumping. It used to be easy. But the twins have caught on that this isn't natural and this contraption isn't really a baby. Now they must be beaten into submission. Twice a day. And sometimes on weekends. Especially on holidays.

8) Holidays. I'm new at this. Eventually I'll figure out how to haul a baby, diaper bag, breast pump with car adapter, boppy pillow, teething gel, toys, blankets, and spoon feeding supplies to six different places in three days plus a trip to Wal-Mart during the busiest shopping weekend without forgetting the baby's jacket or, you know, having a meltdown.

7) Shopping. It used to be great to browse around, especially at Christmas. Now there aren't words dark enough for how much other shoppers at our Wal-Mart suck. The gift I have for repressing my feelings among these rude, inconsiderate, clueless strangers will fail one day soon, resulting in a volcano of cart-crashing rage.

6) Teeth. They are so not worth what it takes to grow them.

5) Toys With Catchy Music. Get it out of my head. Get it out of my head!

4) Cats. If the baby's blanket is on the floor, a cat will be on it. If the baby's toy is on the floor, a cat will be playing with it. If neither of these is the case, the cats will be on the kitchen table, on the kitchen counters, or in the kitchen sink, doing their damnedest to get cat hair on every single surface.

3) Driving. We don't really fit in our cars anymore. Even without my family and the required bags, my back pain has gotten to the point where I despise sitting anywhere, especially my car.

2) Showering. It was one of the best parts of the day. It would relieve some of my back pain, it was relaxing, it was great to be clean. Now it takes twice as long as I dash in and out of the bathtub to rescue the baby who has found some new crevice to roll into and smack his head.

1) Independence. Andy and I always were independent of each other, with nearly opposite schedules, and it worked fine. Now, sometimes it's like being a single parent.

15 weeks holidays

Our Christmas tree sparkles with a billion lights (Literally. Andy didn't think the tree in Rockefeller Center would have more than ours.). Almost all of the ornaments have been hung. There are festive knick knacks and candles and hand towels in every room. I love the holidays!

I put together the official "1st Grandparents Starter Kit" gift boxes that will be given to my parents and Andy's mom and step-dad one week from today. Diapers, bibs, burp cloths, nooks, ultrasound pictures, and more. I went overboard as usual, with the purchases and the craft work, like wedding preparations all over again. It makes me happy just to sit back and look at the gifts, dreaming about all the excitement that's coming.

I spend a lot of time daydreaming these days, trying to imagine what it will be like with a child. First because I'm so eager, and then because thinking about it may help me "prepare." Maybe. Even if it can't, I happily think everything to death in case it will.

I'm like a kid waiting for Christmas.

From "Something Beautiful" by Tracy Bonham.

That I fall upon something beautiful
Something meaningful
You still your soul, I'll risk it all
Your fearless beauty breaks your fall
Something in me knows there's something more
And it's so close I want to run, but I wait
And I wait
'Cause I'm looking for something beautiful

13w 4d thanksgiving

A Thanksgiving post one day late...

Thank you, God, for answering my prayers with this indescribable blessing. For taking care of my loved ones, especially my father. For not abandoning me when you should.

Thank you, Andy, for keeping me on the ground when I'm flying off into insanity. For loving us both, for worrying about us both, for praying for us both. For being the person, in an entire world of strangers, who knows me best. For having the biggest and best heart of anyone I have ever met and will ever meet.

Thank you, my small family, for being huge on love. For teaching me true generosity and spoiling me in the process. For your endless dependability, good humor, openness, and encouragement. For being the perfect foundation on which I build my life.

Thank you, Andy's family, for adopting me through marriage and giving me an amazing blessing -- a place where I belong. For giving me more people to love than I thought I ever could. For making me one of you, and supporting and loving me as such.

Thank you, my few friends, for not letting time or space ever stand in the way. For forgiving me when I am a poor friend. For letting me confide honestly. For loving me when you don't have to, and sticking with me despite my faults.

Thank you employers and coworkers for voluntarily caring and being a family away from home. For being the kind of people with whom I would choose to spend -- rather than get stuck with spending -- my weekdays. For freely giving compliments, advice, and humor.