5w 2d surprise

Dear Surprise Baby,

On Sunday, May 17, 2015, I found out that you exist. Barely. I was only four weeks along. But the night before, your daddy kept asking me why I was standing funny and rubbing my torso, and I said, "I feel like I'm pregnant." So that next morning I took a pregnancy test just to be funny, and there was that immortal second line on the test in a nice dark blue. I took another test to make sure. Another positive.

I couldn't really breathe right for the next couple hours. In the shower, I kept cycling through the emotions: incredulity, joy, anxiety, eagerness, denial. I giggled. I tried to catch my breath. I texted my friend because I had to scream HOLY SHIT at someone.

When I told your daddy, I'm pretty sure he said, "Are you kidding me?" (He was barely awake.)

It's been more than a week now, and I think about you constantly.

There are a million difficult decisions to be made. (Ahem, now accepting donations for minivans and daycare.) But I promise you, we'll figure it out. We'll find a way. Whatever we have to do to bring you safely and soundly into the world and into our lives, we'll do it. We'll take care of you.

You're going to love your big brothers. I can't wait to tell them the news.

I can't wait to know you.

We're all going to love you.

4w5d (18dpo) symptoms

It would appear that I am four weeks and five days pregnant, 18 days post ovulation. Backing this up are a number of strong symptoms. I've already begun unbuttoning my pants (ahhhhhh) to accommodate the bloating. There's round ligament pain all over, breast tenderness, exhaustion, and the nausea is strong enough to make functioning a little difficult, but not so bad that I'm throwing up. (I haven't done that since 12dpo during the cyst rupture adventure.)

Probably the funniest thing to me, though, was last night about 30 seconds after polishing off a plate of pancakes, when I thought to myself how good a big bowl of spaghetti would be. Knowing I'd feel awful afterward, I exercised a little self-control. But I did torture myself by simmering some spaghetti sauce for use at breakfast lunch today. I better stick with my crackers for breakfast. And cookies. And cheez-its. And maybe a Snickers.

On today's pregnancy test, the test line is dark enough to match the control line, which is right on schedule. Getting my first fairly dark positive on 10dpo was kind of early and had me worrying about twins. (Other strikes against me are obviously having Clomid in my system and being 30 years old.) Fletcher is my first priority, and it's going to be hard enough for him to adjust to one more person in our family, let alone two. Hopefully the beta on Friday will show a normal, average increase in hCG.

The doc is taking things one blood test at a time. Currently, my first glimpse of the baby is scheduled for February 13, unless the doc decides to take a peek sooner. As a crazy, anxious pregnant woman who's had more miscarriages than babies, I hope it's sooner.

Trying to find some confidence

4w2d train coming

October 4, 2011

I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.

I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.

I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.

But now I'm spotting.

I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.

Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.

11DPO deluded

August 11, 2011

So yeah, negative. But I'm not giving up. In fact, I see a second line if I look with my peripheral vision.

In related news, I'm pathetic.

Update: I got an expert second opinion. She began in the negative, then offered, "The longer I look at it, the more I think maybe there is a second line." Exactly. Maybe if I stare for ten whole minutes, I'll become pregnant.

Update 2: I thought to myself, "I'm not gonna give up," and now I can't get Rick Astley out of my head. What a morning.

Update 3: It's not even noon and I've typed so many symptoms into fertilityfriend.com that it exploded and the dust of my delusions is raining down upon the Internet. LOOK OUT, YOU MAY BE NEXT.

Update 4: Just when I'm losing hope, my iPod makes its first shuffle... to the first song I ever sang to my son. I don't know which way this sign is supposed to take me, but I feel a temporary sense of peace.

Update 5: It's after noon and I just took a trip to the bathroom solely to check for spotting and there was none and I can't stand myself anymore.

Update 6: Now it feels like there's a heating pad across my lower abdomen. I have no idea what this means.

Update 7: Damn it. I started thinking about baby names. This optimism is getting out of hand.

Update 8: One hour until I test again. Hooray for pee sticks!

10DPO glass half full

August 10, 2011

The test was negative, of course.

I only took the test for continuity here on the blog. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

What's weird is that I still think I'm pregnant.

I'm nervous about tomorrow, but the test is going to show two lines.

It is.

I'm not usually a glass half full gal.

But we did it this time.

I don't care what it shows on this pee stick that I'm still studying under different sources of light and upside down, three hours later.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

2:00 p.m. Update: Feeling crampy. 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out 

11DPO stupid test

July 14, 2011

You suck, pregnancy tests. I hate you. I have a lot of words for this, but none of them are worth reading. Blah blah blah you suck. I'm having a caffeinated soda and a candy bar and screw it all.

I'm so tired of myself.

From "With Every Heartbeat" by Robyn:

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat

4:36 p.m.: Ohmygod I'm sweating my butt off. Is this a PMS thing then? I'm going to say that it is. But you know I'm going to pee on another stick tomorrow anyway. Stupid tests.

10DPO negative

July 13, 2011

This is not the first post with that title. In both previous pregnancies, I received a negative test result on 10DPO, followed by a positive on 11DPO. Why did I bother testing today? Sentimentality. Eagerness. Lack of self control.

I told myself yesterday that if my BBT was elevated today, I would test. It was elevated (see chart), and I felt that first flutter of nerves in my stomach. It's been a long time since I felt that flutter, and the disappointment of the one lonely line on the test.

My rational side is ordering me to snap out of it. I never get an accurate result on 10DPO. And if the test is negative tomorrow? There's always the next cycle. And I won't have to worry about going into labor during the wedding of my step-sister-in-law.

Still... this whole thing has a dreamlike quality. Two years ago, it was all that consumed my thoughts -- my temperature chart, signs of pregnancy, test results.

Trying to conceive again feels like stepping into a memory.


3:45 p.m.: I don't want to jinx this crap, but on 10DPO last pregnancy, I made a 3:28 p.m. footnote that I felt hot and tired. And now it's 3:45 and I'm hot and tired. The "tired" isn't unusual, but the "hot" definitely is. I anxiously await tomorrow's test.

4w 4d epoch

I had one pregnancy test left, so I figured I might as well use it. The line this morning was as dark and thick as is absolutely possible. What a wonderful way to end the pee-stick era.

This pregnancy officially has lasted longer than my first. Will I stop thinking constantly about miscarriage now? Can I stop wondering and worrying at every cramp? I don't have an answer to that yet.

I was thinking this morning that my life can be divided by decades. My life as a small child was in the 1980s (age 0-8), as an older child was in the 1990s (age 8-18), and as a young adult was in the 2000s (age 18-28). Now my life as the mother of a small child, a new epoch, will be in the 20-teens. I'm happy to say I'll still be 27 when the baby is born in May or June 2010. That's only a year older than my parents were when they had me.

It's like standing on the edge of a cliff with the decision to jump already made. Now I have to rock back on my heels and wait there for eight more months. It feels like a long wait from where I stand now, though I know that it will fly by. Although I can't prevent my imagination from plunging me daily into daydreams of finally having my infant, I'll enjoy life for what it is at the moment, while I still can. I'll do some writing, go to movies and out to eat, and generally enjoy being my own boss for just a little while longer, if I can.

From "It's Over" by Lisa Loeb.

Too much to ask for
May leave me feeling lonely
But too little
Leaves me nothing, nothing...
Are we still solemn and bleeding?
Are we still swimming to water that was already wet?

4w 1d poem

breach

In this moment, the atmosphere stirs.
Rainclouds whisper, tracing the shape
of the bulbous earth, at every horizon beginning
and pressing out into the galaxy,
a glass bowl overturned.

The air moves through me.
The grass shivers and breathes beneath me.
The depth of the sky is breached
by the reach of my seeking hand as I
cull a single star to be my own.

In this moment, the atmosphere drifts.
I lay still and quiet as it moves,
folding my hands like a prayer
over my fragile, grounded star
while tomorrow stretches across the glass sky.

3w 6d potency

I'm really pregnant. Yee hee!

It may not be as dark as the control line, but still... it's pretty dark compared to what I've seen. (This picture doesn't do the actual test justice!)

I have a really hard time believing that symptoms don't start until week six, and that this is all in my head. I've had major non-stop cramps all day, from my ribs down to my you-know-what. I didn't know that area could feel cramps. And with my primary dysmenorrhea, I'm an EXPERT on severe cramping. This isn't severe, just really distracting. And exciting.

And the nausea! No vomiting, although it certainly feels like a future possibility. Is it sick that I want to throw up? It would be something quantifiable, a way to say that this pregnancy has the potency that the last one didn't.

That's what today's test feels like -- evidence of potency. My baby and I have fight in us, so stay away, evil menstruation!

I'm going to be a mommy!

3w 5d fighter

I can't make it very long before I need to look again at the faint positive from this morning. My self-control in all aspects of this situation is tenuous.

I was both right and wrong about how it would feel... I thought I'd never experience pure happiness again. That's wrong, because I do feel the full extent of happiness once more. It's unbelievable. It's too much to be contained in words.

But what I predicted is also true, because the happiness isn't "pure." While it is as full and powerful as before, I was correct in thinking it would be tainted. I thought I'd be living each day with the fear of another miscarriage -- and that doesn't BEGIN to cover it.

This is the most scared I've ever been. I'm scared to move, scared to make plans, scared to dream, scared to blink in case I open my eyes and it's over. Have I been cheated? Yes, of my ignorance. I'm jealous all over again of pregnant women who can immerse themselves in the happiness with the fears being nothing more than background noise.

Will it make me tough? Yes, an unexpected side effect. I may be terrified, but I feel like a fighter, like a boxer bouncing on his toes and pounding his gloves together. The high level anxiety is matched by fierce determination.

Still, it's like a clock's incessant ticking: miscarriage... miscarriage... miscarriage... tick... tick... tick... I can't concentrate but for thoughts that's it's coming, that I have to prepare myself for it, that I'm going to have to find a way to survive it. Tick... tick... tick...

From "Loneliest Star" by Seal.

I'm free and I'm young
I'm the loneliest star from the sun
And I feel that I'm close to the one
Who will stop me from coming undone

With your love
I know that I could be the best with
With your love
I know that I can take a risk with
With your love
I could fly with your love
With your love
If anyone would try and mess with
With your love
You and I would be possessed with
With your love
I would die for your love
With your love

[Return to introduction post.]

11DPO polarity

Negative.

Depending on the moment, I may be sure that I'm pregnant or sure that I'm not. There's no way off this roller coaster. Either I'm a glutton for punishment or there's simply no possible way to rein in the pleading wishes of a desperate person.

Why I am: My BBT jumped sky high this morning to 98.49. I could swear that when I took the test out in the sunlight and turned it just the right way and looked at it only in my peripheral vision, I could see just the lightest faintest pinkish second line. I'm also feeling some nausea and cramps.

Why I'm not: My temperature jumped that high two months ago when I wasn't pregnant, too. Any sane outsider would call my test "negative." Last month I had a visible positive on 11DPO. The nausea and cramps would be PMS, as it's too early for symptoms of any kind.

Put me out of my misery!

10DPO negative

I tested today. Obsessed, remember? Is it negative or too early for results? I know in my heart that it's negative. It feels as if I can't breathe. My chest is too cold.

To be given last month, and for it to be followed with this... I don't know how to stand up under it anymore.

From "Stroke of Luck" by Garbage.

A stroke of luck or a gift from God?
The hand of fate or devil's claws?
From below or saints above?
You came to me

Here comes the cold again
I feel it closing in
It's falling down and
All around me
Falling

3:28 p.m.: Feeling hot, tired, emotional, nauseated, and cramping. I wish I could stop myself from hoping.

4w 2d scare

I had a lighthearted post almost finished for today, outlining the symptoms I've experienced so far.

I'm not feeling particularly lighthearted at the moment.

One such symptom, cramping, I've had for several days. Since around the time of my first positive test, in fact. It didn't worry me because this cramping felt different than my usual PMS.

That changed a little today. The cramping became a little more like what I'm used to, more localized and "serious." I became a little worried.

When I spotted, I became hysterical. Luckily it was my lunch hour and I was home, alone, where it didn't matter how loud I sobbed.

"Please, don't do this to me," I kept saying. I think I was talking to God.

The spotting wasn't obvious. I didn't stain any clothing. But during the trip to the restroom, I saw what I usually see on the day before a new cycle, and it felt as if my life had suddenly and completely collapsed. For a while, I couldn't function.

Once I calmed down a little, I decided to take the advice of my nurse friend. I went in for blood work this afternoon. Now I'm stuck waiting for results.

But I'm hopeful once more -- At the end of the day, I fell back on my old standby. When in doubt, pee on a stick. It wasn't the suggested first morning urine, but I couldn't resist.

I got my darkest positive yet. This doesn't mean that something dire is not in progress with the delicate life that I carry. But, for now, I have the hormones I'm supposed to have, and I'll face tomorrow when it comes. It's not like I have a choice.


As a side note, I've always taken a lot of comfort in finding (or stumbling across) a song that suits my current emotional climate, especially when I'm in turmoil. Here are lyrics from the song that owns today... "Sleep" by Anousheh Khalili.

Steady now,
Your body's caving in.
Shoulders out,
Let the ground know who's standing on him.
You're not better now,
Just monumentally more fit
To tell me how to make it to the end of all this.