Damn you, Whirlpool commercial.
So I have to remind myself that crying over dumb commercials and being so sick that I can't lift my head off the desk is OKAY because it's temporary. In fact, it's too temporary.
I will never be nine weeks and two days pregnant again.
I will never be this sick from growing a baby again.
I will never outgrow my clothes for legitimate reasons again.
After January, I will never anticipate holding my newborn for the first time again.
I already feel the void of the end of all this beauty. So I must remember to endure, and close my eyes, and listen to life as it slowly grows. Because it will all be over too fast.
Showing posts with label symptoms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label symptoms. Show all posts
Wednesday, June 24, 2015
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
6w2d I forgot what this is like
The nausea, which was only intermittent at five weeks, is now a constant, churning force of nature, threatening to wring out the contents of my stomach at the slightest taste or smell.
Thanks to the fatigue, I have to lay my head down once an hour, and I even managed to fall asleep with my face on a coffee table.
I had to tell my children to stop headbutting my stomach because mommy has a tummy ache that's going to last for the next several months.
There's a living, breathing heartburn monster inside my body trying to burn it's way up my throat.
My husband asks how I'm feeling and I want to punch him because ohmygod-how-do-you-think-I-feel-right-now.
All of my clothes are uncomfortable and it's pretty much impossible to hide the bump that has already formed (despite my husband's disbelief that I could possibly have a bump this early on -- thanks a lot, dear).
I throw away perfectly good food because ohmygod-I'm-going-to-barf-get-it-away-from-me.
...What's different this time around? There's nothing cutesy or lovey, except what I offer the baby silently in quiet moments throughout my day. It seems like there are no positive comments or conversations (yet), just semantics and worries and more incredulity. It's a lot of how-are-we-going-to-fit-them-in-our-cars and how-are-we-going-to-pay-for-daycare and I-thought-you-said-this-wasn't-going-to-happen.
And that's just not fair to you, baby. Or me, damn it. I want the smiles and the onesies, the daydreams and the warmth of the miracle that you are. You are loved and wanted, and my happiness is big enough for all of it, all of us.
Thanks to the fatigue, I have to lay my head down once an hour, and I even managed to fall asleep with my face on a coffee table.
I had to tell my children to stop headbutting my stomach because mommy has a tummy ache that's going to last for the next several months.
There's a living, breathing heartburn monster inside my body trying to burn it's way up my throat.
My husband asks how I'm feeling and I want to punch him because ohmygod-how-do-you-think-I-feel-right-now.
All of my clothes are uncomfortable and it's pretty much impossible to hide the bump that has already formed (despite my husband's disbelief that I could possibly have a bump this early on -- thanks a lot, dear).
I throw away perfectly good food because ohmygod-I'm-going-to-barf-get-it-away-from-me.
...What's different this time around? There's nothing cutesy or lovey, except what I offer the baby silently in quiet moments throughout my day. It seems like there are no positive comments or conversations (yet), just semantics and worries and more incredulity. It's a lot of how-are-we-going-to-fit-them-in-our-cars and how-are-we-going-to-pay-for-daycare and I-thought-you-said-this-wasn't-going-to-happen.
And that's just not fair to you, baby. Or me, damn it. I want the smiles and the onesies, the daydreams and the warmth of the miracle that you are. You are loved and wanted, and my happiness is big enough for all of it, all of us.
Friday, August 30, 2013
35w6d getting ready and wallowing
The edible comparison for baby is now a honeydew. Depending on where you look, he could be 5 pounds and 18 inches long, or 6 pounds and 20 inches long already.
Doctor says his head is quite low -- she was poking it. I'm one centimeter dilated and 50 percent effaced.
Baby's liver, kidneys, circulation, and immune system should be in working order. He's very close to being able to breathe on his own (that should be a week from now, when I'm considered full term).
I kept thinking that September would be a big month where everything in my life changed, but that turned out to be August. Andy had to switch to first shift, and I'm working some insane combination of first and second shift plus my second job. Fletcher is in daycare three days a week, and when baby joins him there, we'll be spending so much money on it that I won't know how to pay our mortgage.
I have only two emotional states. Complete lethargy where I'm only semi-conscious, and panicked mania where I'm convinced that I have to work - have to clean - have to accomplish every goal I've ever set for myself because when baby comes it's all over. The fear of losing our house adds nicely into that.
How much can one brain think about at once? A lot. Every minute is focused on baby, in addition to everything else in my life. The mental exhaustion is really something when combined with the worst insomnia I've ever had.
I won't even get into the physical exhaustion and pain. Suffice it to say that if Andy "jokes" any more about how he knows all about it (and has it worse) because he's heavier than I am, I'm going to punch him in the face.
I run through my list of blessings often. I haven't forgotten how lucky I am, how good things are, how sad I will be when my last pregnancy is over forever.
But I need permission to sit and wallow in how hard this all is. I have to give myself that.
Doctor says his head is quite low -- she was poking it. I'm one centimeter dilated and 50 percent effaced.
Baby's liver, kidneys, circulation, and immune system should be in working order. He's very close to being able to breathe on his own (that should be a week from now, when I'm considered full term).
I kept thinking that September would be a big month where everything in my life changed, but that turned out to be August. Andy had to switch to first shift, and I'm working some insane combination of first and second shift plus my second job. Fletcher is in daycare three days a week, and when baby joins him there, we'll be spending so much money on it that I won't know how to pay our mortgage.
I have only two emotional states. Complete lethargy where I'm only semi-conscious, and panicked mania where I'm convinced that I have to work - have to clean - have to accomplish every goal I've ever set for myself because when baby comes it's all over. The fear of losing our house adds nicely into that.
How much can one brain think about at once? A lot. Every minute is focused on baby, in addition to everything else in my life. The mental exhaustion is really something when combined with the worst insomnia I've ever had.
I won't even get into the physical exhaustion and pain. Suffice it to say that if Andy "jokes" any more about how he knows all about it (and has it worse) because he's heavier than I am, I'm going to punch him in the face.
I run through my list of blessings often. I haven't forgotten how lucky I am, how good things are, how sad I will be when my last pregnancy is over forever.
But I need permission to sit and wallow in how hard this all is. I have to give myself that.
Monday, July 29, 2013
31w2d coconut
We've agreed on a name, so unless a miraculous new name comes along (or he turns out to be a she), this jumpy baby is officially labeled.
This week's food analogy: baby is like a big coconut with arms and legs -- around 16 inches long and 3-4 pounds. He'll be doubling his weight in the next eight weeks.
His bones are fully developed. His wide-open eyes are getting ready for birth, gaining the bluish color he'll probably be born with. His constant kicking, somersaulting, and hiccuping is the driving force for my nausea, insomnia, and heartburn. Have I mentioned heartburn? HEARTBURN. In the all-star wrestling match between my lungs, uterus, and bladder, it isn't a surprise that the uterus is by far the victor.
Although he's getting long, he has some plumping up to do before delivery. He may be practicing breathing with amniotic fluid. His brain is online -- processing information, tracking light, and perceiving signals from all five senses. His central nervous system can probably control his body temperature now.
For my 32-week appointment on Wednesday, I need to alert the doctor to the frequent Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having, along with some sharp abdominal pain, so that we keep an eye out for pre-term labor. I'm all for delivering before the due date, just not this far before it.
I'm eager for the appointment in a few weeks that will determine the baby's exact position and whether or not I'm dilated already. At the same time, I wish pregnancy wasn't going so fast. This is probably the last time I will ever be 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant. These are the last months of my life that I might feel this big alien movement under my skin. It's the last time Fletcher will be an only child.
The baby stuff we have is pretty much unpacked and ready, which means I have to unpack for myself now. And next on the list is to get my hospital bag ready.
Nesting in a new house when I have to spend all my time working is an insane endeavor. Similarly, I contacted the school district to get Fletcher's therapy set up, and now I'm basically telling them that I can't fit it into our schedule. Unless we win the money or grandparent lottery, Andy and I are going to raise our children by not sleeping. Apparently. Something has to give by wintertime.
This week's food analogy: baby is like a big coconut with arms and legs -- around 16 inches long and 3-4 pounds. He'll be doubling his weight in the next eight weeks.
His bones are fully developed. His wide-open eyes are getting ready for birth, gaining the bluish color he'll probably be born with. His constant kicking, somersaulting, and hiccuping is the driving force for my nausea, insomnia, and heartburn. Have I mentioned heartburn? HEARTBURN. In the all-star wrestling match between my lungs, uterus, and bladder, it isn't a surprise that the uterus is by far the victor.
Although he's getting long, he has some plumping up to do before delivery. He may be practicing breathing with amniotic fluid. His brain is online -- processing information, tracking light, and perceiving signals from all five senses. His central nervous system can probably control his body temperature now.
For my 32-week appointment on Wednesday, I need to alert the doctor to the frequent Braxton Hicks contractions I've been having, along with some sharp abdominal pain, so that we keep an eye out for pre-term labor. I'm all for delivering before the due date, just not this far before it.
I'm eager for the appointment in a few weeks that will determine the baby's exact position and whether or not I'm dilated already. At the same time, I wish pregnancy wasn't going so fast. This is probably the last time I will ever be 31 weeks and 2 days pregnant. These are the last months of my life that I might feel this big alien movement under my skin. It's the last time Fletcher will be an only child.
The baby stuff we have is pretty much unpacked and ready, which means I have to unpack for myself now. And next on the list is to get my hospital bag ready.
Nesting in a new house when I have to spend all my time working is an insane endeavor. Similarly, I contacted the school district to get Fletcher's therapy set up, and now I'm basically telling them that I can't fit it into our schedule. Unless we win the money or grandparent lottery, Andy and I are going to raise our children by not sleeping. Apparently. Something has to give by wintertime.
Monday, June 10, 2013
24w 2d this close
Babies are most active between 24 and 28 weeks, since after that they run out of room for all the acrobatics. Little brother is just as energetic as big brother. My uterus is the size of a soccer ball, squishing all my other organs.
He's at least a foot tall, probably more, and weighs about a pound and a half. He's practicing breathing and really starting to gain the fat that will make him look like a baby. At this point there's about a fifty percent chance of (complicated) survival if he's born. His hands are developed, hearing is more acute, and he has taste buds, so he can probably taste anything strong that I eat or drink.
Just before we move to our new house, I have my 28 week appointment, which will feature the glucose blood draw with the gross drink. Then I'll start seeing the doctor every two weeks rather than every four.
My first pregnancy went so slowly, so full of anticipation I couldn't stand it. This pregnancy just won't slow down for a second. How can we be this close to being a family of four already?
He's at least a foot tall, probably more, and weighs about a pound and a half. He's practicing breathing and really starting to gain the fat that will make him look like a baby. At this point there's about a fifty percent chance of (complicated) survival if he's born. His hands are developed, hearing is more acute, and he has taste buds, so he can probably taste anything strong that I eat or drink.
Just before we move to our new house, I have my 28 week appointment, which will feature the glucose blood draw with the gross drink. Then I'll start seeing the doctor every two weeks rather than every four.
My first pregnancy went so slowly, so full of anticipation I couldn't stand it. This pregnancy just won't slow down for a second. How can we be this close to being a family of four already?
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
4w5d (18dpo) symptoms
It would appear that I am four weeks and five days pregnant, 18 days post ovulation. Backing this up are a number of strong symptoms. I've already begun unbuttoning my pants (ahhhhhh) to accommodate the bloating. There's round ligament pain all over, breast tenderness, exhaustion, and the nausea is strong enough to make functioning a little difficult, but not so bad that I'm throwing up. (I haven't done that since 12dpo during the cyst rupture adventure.)
Probably the funniest thing to me, though, was last night about 30 seconds after polishing off a plate of pancakes, when I thought to myself how good a big bowl of spaghetti would be. Knowing I'd feel awful afterward, I exercised a little self-control. But I did torture myself by simmering some spaghetti sauce for use atbreakfast lunch today. I better stick with my crackers for breakfast. And cookies. And cheez-its. And maybe a Snickers.
On today's pregnancy test, the test line is dark enough to match the control line, which is right on schedule. Getting my first fairly dark positive on 10dpo was kind of early and had me worrying about twins. (Other strikes against me are obviously having Clomid in my system and being 30 years old.) Fletcher is my first priority, and it's going to be hard enough for him to adjust to one more person in our family, let alone two. Hopefully the beta on Friday will show a normal, average increase in hCG.
The doc is taking things one blood test at a time. Currently, my first glimpse of the baby is scheduled for February 13, unless the doc decides to take a peek sooner. As a crazy, anxious pregnant woman who's had more miscarriages than babies, I hope it's sooner.
Probably the funniest thing to me, though, was last night about 30 seconds after polishing off a plate of pancakes, when I thought to myself how good a big bowl of spaghetti would be. Knowing I'd feel awful afterward, I exercised a little self-control. But I did torture myself by simmering some spaghetti sauce for use at
On today's pregnancy test, the test line is dark enough to match the control line, which is right on schedule. Getting my first fairly dark positive on 10dpo was kind of early and had me worrying about twins. (Other strikes against me are obviously having Clomid in my system and being 30 years old.) Fletcher is my first priority, and it's going to be hard enough for him to adjust to one more person in our family, let alone two. Hopefully the beta on Friday will show a normal, average increase in hCG.
The doc is taking things one blood test at a time. Currently, my first glimpse of the baby is scheduled for February 13, unless the doc decides to take a peek sooner. As a crazy, anxious pregnant woman who's had more miscarriages than babies, I hope it's sooner.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
8dpo
I feel majorly nauseated yet hungry which was my main condition when pregnant with Fletcher and I test this weekend so please pray there's a little bean attached to me this time thanks bunches
Now here's my son laughing at a rubber ball it makes me laugh you should laugh too it's good for you
Now here's my son laughing at a rubber ball it makes me laugh you should laugh too it's good for you
Thursday, October 27, 2011
9dpo showing
October 27, 2011
This is completely ridiculous. Tests are showing up negative, but my goodness, do I feel pregnant. Strong cramps, low backache, nausea, fatigue. I had to unbutton my pants. Seriously. These were loose pants.
What is going on here? How can I be so big that these pants -- which I wore WELL into my pregnancy with Fletcher -- don't fit at all? If I am pregnant, I'm only considered 3 weeks and 2 days along!
You don't get symptoms like this before a positive test, you just don't. Is this a seriously horrible case of PMS? Universe, what the heck? How cruel are you?
This is completely ridiculous. Tests are showing up negative, but my goodness, do I feel pregnant. Strong cramps, low backache, nausea, fatigue. I had to unbutton my pants. Seriously. These were loose pants.
What is going on here? How can I be so big that these pants -- which I wore WELL into my pregnancy with Fletcher -- don't fit at all? If I am pregnant, I'm only considered 3 weeks and 2 days along!
You don't get symptoms like this before a positive test, you just don't. Is this a seriously horrible case of PMS? Universe, what the heck? How cruel are you?
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
7DPO signs
October 25, 2011
Since 3DPO, I've had nausea on and off. Since 5DPO, I've had that dull, all over cramping that I've associated with pregnancy. All of this is way too early -- like two weeks too early -- to be real. So what's going on here?
All I know is that tomorrow is only 8DPO, but it's my birthday, so dammit I'm peeing on a stick. It's my party and I'll test if I want to.
Yesterday I got a call from the doctor's office reminding me of my prenatal appointment on my birthday, and I had to tell her, "No... that appointment was cancelled... because of a... loss." I didn't want to use the word "miscarriage" while in hearing distance of others. The nurse sounded flustered then, apologetic, and I just felt sad.
Cue the confetti. What a birthday it will be.
Universe, could I please have a baby for my birthday? That would be very nice, thank you.
Since 3DPO, I've had nausea on and off. Since 5DPO, I've had that dull, all over cramping that I've associated with pregnancy. All of this is way too early -- like two weeks too early -- to be real. So what's going on here?
All I know is that tomorrow is only 8DPO, but it's my birthday, so dammit I'm peeing on a stick. It's my party and I'll test if I want to.
Yesterday I got a call from the doctor's office reminding me of my prenatal appointment on my birthday, and I had to tell her, "No... that appointment was cancelled... because of a... loss." I didn't want to use the word "miscarriage" while in hearing distance of others. The nurse sounded flustered then, apologetic, and I just felt sad.
Cue the confetti. What a birthday it will be.
Universe, could I please have a baby for my birthday? That would be very nice, thank you.
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
4w2d train coming
October 4, 2011
I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.
I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.
I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.
But now I'm spotting.
I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.
Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.
I was feeling really good about this pregnancy today. Lots of nausea and fatigue. A nice high temperature. Oddly, though, the pregnancy test was still faint and I thought it should be a good dark line by now. I decided I would test again tomorrow, and I put it out of my mind.
I pulled out my old pregnancy books and paged through the first two months. I imagined the future. How we would announce the pregnancy. How we would prepare a nursery. What it would be like next June, when I'm the mother of two.
I have no cramps. Nothing menstrual. No warning.
But now I'm spotting.
I had deluded myself into safety, forgetting that I have no control, that believing in a dream doesn't make it last. Today, the reality I'm waking up to caught me completely off guard.
Tied to the train tracks, all I can do is wait and watch the train that's coming to destroy me.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
more breastfeeding woes
There are many things I would tell doctors if I could afford to tell doctors anything.
That sounds a little like a tongue-twister. ("Quit chuckin' my wood!")
Like so many others, I am currently a patient of Dr. Google. She is a doctor whose knowledge is half informed and half misinformed, and her accepted form of payment is time.
She is similar to those doctors who have gone to medical school in that I sometimes receive helpful tips, but usually I walk away unfulfilled, head full of random words, puzzle pieces not quite fitting together.
My most recent visit to Dr. Google involved a spider's web of symptoms that may or may not be related. No diagnosis fits. The topic was breastfeeding.
List of symptoms! It's like being pregnant again! Only not. Don't get excited.
Dr. Google went on and on about thrush, mastitis, plugged ducts, and more. None of it fits. I simply may be broken. Don't tell my doctor, but I may seek out the help of a real lactation consultant if my chest bursts into flames.
That sounds a little like a tongue-twister. ("Quit chuckin' my wood!")
Like so many others, I am currently a patient of Dr. Google. She is a doctor whose knowledge is half informed and half misinformed, and her accepted form of payment is time.
She is similar to those doctors who have gone to medical school in that I sometimes receive helpful tips, but usually I walk away unfulfilled, head full of random words, puzzle pieces not quite fitting together.
My most recent visit to Dr. Google involved a spider's web of symptoms that may or may not be related. No diagnosis fits. The topic was breastfeeding.
List of symptoms! It's like being pregnant again! Only not. Don't get excited.
1. No more let-down reflex with the breast pump. This started in October.
2. Burning sensation in breasts. Is it a symptom? Or a result of the torture I put them through every day (see symptom No. 1)?
3. Less milk. Is this due wholly because of symptom No. 1, or only partly?
4. Crabby baby. Is it a personality change? Is it a problem that Dr. Google has not diagnosed, such as ear infection or constipation? Or is it related to the breastfeeding situation?
Dr. Google went on and on about thrush, mastitis, plugged ducts, and more. None of it fits. I simply may be broken. Don't tell my doctor, but I may seek out the help of a real lactation consultant if my chest bursts into flames.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
33w 1d shower
Forty-seven days to go. For serious, people, I'm not joking.
It's been a long time since I've done a list of "symptoms." Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic for those days because of something that happened a week ago... when I was done brushing my teeth for the night, I reached into the vanity looking for a (nonexistent) birth control pill. I think it's been about 17 months since I've taken one.
So here are some third trimester symptoms I've been dealing with:
Thank you to everyone who made it to the first baby shower on Saturday, April 10! Especially Agnes, Amy, and Amanda for giving me such a wonderful day.
It's been a long time since I've done a list of "symptoms." Maybe I'm feeling nostalgic for those days because of something that happened a week ago... when I was done brushing my teeth for the night, I reached into the vanity looking for a (nonexistent) birth control pill. I think it's been about 17 months since I've taken one.
So here are some third trimester symptoms I've been dealing with:
- Late morning nausea (and sometimes during car rides)
- Fatigue
- Difficulty breathing
- Hot flashes
- A baby bump that is slightly off-center -- baby prefers to curl up on the right side.
- Major kicking -- it seems like the baby has set periods of wakefulness and sleep. The worst kicks are to the ribs, way on the right side.
- Dark veins (darker than my usual)
- Tiny bladder, especially when I stand up
- Difficulty sleeping (it could be all that kicking)
- General discomfort... all the time... and the unfortunate state of having to heave and roll myself off the couch and bed
- About 31 pounds that, ahem, weren't there back in September
- Between 16 and 18 inches
- Between 4 and 5 pounds
- Baby's arms and legs are filling out with fat -- dimpling at the elbows and knees and forming creases around the wrists and neck (aww)
- Baby's fingernails have reached the end of the fingertips
- Baby can see and blink, and acts completely like a newborn, closing its eyes when sleeping
Thank you to everyone who made it to the first baby shower on Saturday, April 10! Especially Agnes, Amy, and Amanda for giving me such a wonderful day.
Friday, January 8, 2010
19w 4d dragon
At one point the other night, I spazzed out. All I wanted was to sleep -- I was so ridiculously tired -- and I couldn't because of the pain.
For more than a week, I've had a headache that feels like my forehead is going to split open, part of a terrific head cold. Then there's the back pain. I am no stranger to this, but it has been constant and painful enough that I can't sleep. Finally, there's heartburn so powerful it has turned me into a fire-breathing dragon.
When all of this caught up with me and I lay whimpering and pathetic, Andy repeatedly asked what he could do to help me. We were both helpless.
Then he said, "You knew this wasn't going to be easy."
Sigh.
Pregnancy isn't just a round belly and little nudges. Still, I didn't think I'd be in this much discomfort until the third trimester. Now I sit here grasping my achy head, popping yet another useless Tylenol, and I wonder just how much worse things are going to get.
As a side note, my torso for the last week has been boiling hot to the touch, for even more added discomfort. Is this another step -- is the transformation almost complete -- am I becoming a fire-breathing dragon?
I am tough. I am tough. I can do this. Rawr!
Here are some lyrics from "Fences," a great rockin' song from Paramore.
For more than a week, I've had a headache that feels like my forehead is going to split open, part of a terrific head cold. Then there's the back pain. I am no stranger to this, but it has been constant and painful enough that I can't sleep. Finally, there's heartburn so powerful it has turned me into a fire-breathing dragon.
When all of this caught up with me and I lay whimpering and pathetic, Andy repeatedly asked what he could do to help me. We were both helpless.
Then he said, "You knew this wasn't going to be easy."
Sigh.
Pregnancy isn't just a round belly and little nudges. Still, I didn't think I'd be in this much discomfort until the third trimester. Now I sit here grasping my achy head, popping yet another useless Tylenol, and I wonder just how much worse things are going to get.
As a side note, my torso for the last week has been boiling hot to the touch, for even more added discomfort. Is this another step -- is the transformation almost complete -- am I becoming a fire-breathing dragon?
I am tough. I am tough. I can do this. Rawr!
Here are some lyrics from "Fences," a great rockin' song from Paramore.
Yeah, yeah, you're asking for it
With every breath that you breathe in
Just breathe it in
Yeah, yeah, well, you're just a mess
You do all this big talking
So now let's see you walk it
I said, let's see you walk it
Monday, January 4, 2010
19 weeks reality
Back to reality. How depressing it is when Christmas is over. My brother has flown back to Hawaii. I'm back at work, where I will no longer be able to take a nap whenever I get tired.
Feeling the baby move is still sort of rare, but I especially felt it squirming around some when I lay on my stomach last night, something I was told it was okay to do all through pregnancy, as weird as that seems.
Andy is starting to surprise me. I think maybe it's sinking in, or he's excited to find out if it's a boy or girl in nine days' time. But whenever I get down about Christmas being over, he keeps reminding me in his upbeat way -- it's just another day closer to the baby. What a wonderful thought, and how great to hear it from him. He's also really trying to figure out what to do job- and school-wise before or just after baby's arrival.
There are a lot of things left to figure out before June, which makes me nervous. I wish I could fullyover-prepare as soon as possible.
Baby update:
It is about 8.5 ounces and six inches from head to butt. Arms and legs are in the correct proportion to the body, and all the senses are developing. Some research suggests that the baby may be able to hear me now.
Symptoms:
Feeling the baby move is still sort of rare, but I especially felt it squirming around some when I lay on my stomach last night, something I was told it was okay to do all through pregnancy, as weird as that seems.
Andy is starting to surprise me. I think maybe it's sinking in, or he's excited to find out if it's a boy or girl in nine days' time. But whenever I get down about Christmas being over, he keeps reminding me in his upbeat way -- it's just another day closer to the baby. What a wonderful thought, and how great to hear it from him. He's also really trying to figure out what to do job- and school-wise before or just after baby's arrival.
There are a lot of things left to figure out before June, which makes me nervous. I wish I could fully
Baby update:
It is about 8.5 ounces and six inches from head to butt. Arms and legs are in the correct proportion to the body, and all the senses are developing. Some research suggests that the baby may be able to hear me now.
Symptoms:
- Fatigue. Where's this second trimester surge of energy I was promised?
- Hunger. Hmm.
- About nine extra pounds.
- Round ligament pain. Wow, it worried me at first. Every now and then when I move, I'll get a bad stabbing pain in my abdomen. This will probably continue, as I'm expected to grow even faster in the weeks to come.
- Some redness to my skin... but luckily no noticeable spots on my face and no linea nigra yet.
- Different center of balance. Andy will tell me to stand up straight, but I think if I do I will fall over...
Have I found you
Flightless bird, grounded, bleeding
Or lost you, American mouth
Big pill stuck going down
Monday, December 7, 2009
15w 2d lists
I'm feeling no fetal movement, and I'm getting very impatient for it! (So what else is new, right?)
A list of all the things I'm impatient for:
Related to random thought patterns... I've been thinking about Biblical pregnant women. Namely, what must it have been like when Eve became pregnant for the first time? Had she observed enough of animals to instantly know what was happening to her? How did that labor go with literally only one other person on the planet to help?
Then there's Mary, the only pregnant virgin. We have some glimpses into her thoughts, but what must it have been like? Not only finding out you're impossibly pregnant and giving birth in a filthy barn next to smelly animals, but raising a child that's part you and part... God? The "Christ the Lord" series by Anne Rice gives very detailed accounts of what it may have been like for the boy/young man Jesus, but I'd like to have an even closer look at Mary than the Scriptures give. Perhaps Ms. Rice will oblige me with a prequel...
'Tis the season for a Christmas carol, I think. From "I Wonder as I Wander" as sung by Vanessa Williams.
A list of all the things I'm impatient for:
- Feeling early fetal movement... and kicking
- More "belly"
- Another ultrasound look at the baby
- Finding out the gender so I can stop thinking "it"
- An increase in temperature
- Finishing the baby registries, which I have (embarrassingly) already started online
- Making the big announcement
- Finishing the nursery
- Seeing the baby out here in the real world
- Seeing Andy become a father
- The little belly
- About four extra pounds
- The bad aftertaste to everything
- Constant hunger
- Some lingering fatigue, feels like *something* is sapping my available energy
- Frequent potty breaks
- Bad backaches, may or may not be baby-related
- A little change in balance
- A little forgetfulness/random thought pattern changes
- Lightheadedness/breathlessness/rapid heartbeat like I'm out of shape
Related to random thought patterns... I've been thinking about Biblical pregnant women. Namely, what must it have been like when Eve became pregnant for the first time? Had she observed enough of animals to instantly know what was happening to her? How did that labor go with literally only one other person on the planet to help?
Then there's Mary, the only pregnant virgin. We have some glimpses into her thoughts, but what must it have been like? Not only finding out you're impossibly pregnant and giving birth in a filthy barn next to smelly animals, but raising a child that's part you and part... God? The "Christ the Lord" series by Anne Rice gives very detailed accounts of what it may have been like for the boy/young man Jesus, but I'd like to have an even closer look at Mary than the Scriptures give. Perhaps Ms. Rice will oblige me with a prequel...
'Tis the season for a Christmas carol, I think. From "I Wonder as I Wander" as sung by Vanessa Williams.
I wonder as I wander out under the sky
How Jesus the Savior did come for to die
For poor ordinary people like you and like I
I wonder as I wander out under the sky
When Mary birthed Jesus 'twas in a cow's stall
With wise men and farmers and shepherds and all
But high from God's heaven a starlight did fall
And the promise of ages, it then did recall
Thursday, December 3, 2009
14w 5d appetite
Hello, appetite! I have to stop myself from eating the entire pan of Rice Krispie Treats that I made... or the entire Family Size bag of Cheetos... I've gone through two tubs of French Onion Dip and two bags of Wavy Lays in a very short amount of time. Not the healthiest diet, eh? I think a trip to the grocery store is in order.
I'm crossing my fingers, but I think the full-on nausea is done, and in its place is a milder "woozy" feeling. I can handle that.
However, it feels like my head alone is swimming/floating in a pool, and this isn't good for my already-poor balance. My belly suddenly feels less like a part of my torso and more like an extension or appendage. My poor belly button is wondering how much more it's going to be stretched on the rack. Much more torture is in store for you, dear belly... 179 more days of growing Baby Schultz...
From "Milk" by Garbage.
I'm crossing my fingers, but I think the full-on nausea is done, and in its place is a milder "woozy" feeling. I can handle that.
However, it feels like my head alone is swimming/floating in a pool, and this isn't good for my already-poor balance. My belly suddenly feels less like a part of my torso and more like an extension or appendage. My poor belly button is wondering how much more it's going to be stretched on the rack. Much more torture is in store for you, dear belly... 179 more days of growing Baby Schultz...
From "Milk" by Garbage.
I'm waiting
I'm waiting for you
Monday, November 23, 2009
13 weeks disconnect
The nausea is lingering right on into the second trimester, dampening my excitement in the landmark.
It seems like the last appointment -- the last time I saw my baby -- was light years behind me, somewhere back in the vague and distant past when this whole pregnancy thing seemed much more real. Today, I'm wondering (irrationally) is it still in there? Is it still alive? Is it okay? Has it grown at all? Does it look more like a baby and less like a video game villain?
Is this all really happening, or were the last couple of months purely a dream?
I keep reminding myself of the signs that it's real: the nausea, the way none of my pants would fit, how I ate a giant dinner last night and topped it off with cream puffs and a bag of Chex Mix followed by about eleven hours of sleep...
Then there's the fact that I'm suddenly out of shape. As in, tasks like walking up stairs or even just standing long enough to wash my face wipe me out. My heart beats furiously and I can't get enough air in my lungs, which results in pressure in my chest and the need to sit down. Seriously? What is this? Luckily I spend most of my time sitting anyway, because I constantly have to pee.
Another sign? I think I heard Andy say at least twice yesterday, "Why are you crying?"
But with all of that, I'm still feeling disconnected from my baby today. I need some reassurance. An ultrasound. A picture. A heartbeat. A little nudge to tell me that, yes, it is in there doing its somersaults and stretching its legs and sucking its little thumb.
In tribute to tiredness... from "Purgatorying" by Alanis Morissette.
It seems like the last appointment -- the last time I saw my baby -- was light years behind me, somewhere back in the vague and distant past when this whole pregnancy thing seemed much more real. Today, I'm wondering (irrationally) is it still in there? Is it still alive? Is it okay? Has it grown at all? Does it look more like a baby and less like a video game villain?
Is this all really happening, or were the last couple of months purely a dream?
I keep reminding myself of the signs that it's real: the nausea, the way none of my pants would fit, how I ate a giant dinner last night and topped it off with cream puffs and a bag of Chex Mix followed by about eleven hours of sleep...
Then there's the fact that I'm suddenly out of shape. As in, tasks like walking up stairs or even just standing long enough to wash my face wipe me out. My heart beats furiously and I can't get enough air in my lungs, which results in pressure in my chest and the need to sit down. Seriously? What is this? Luckily I spend most of my time sitting anyway, because I constantly have to pee.
Another sign? I think I heard Andy say at least twice yesterday, "Why are you crying?"
But with all of that, I'm still feeling disconnected from my baby today. I need some reassurance. An ultrasound. A picture. A heartbeat. A little nudge to tell me that, yes, it is in there doing its somersaults and stretching its legs and sucking its little thumb.
In tribute to tiredness... from "Purgatorying" by Alanis Morissette.
Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I'm equipped for
I've held you up like a deity
Like you're the sole owner of wings
This unrequited tunnel vision
And I wonder why I've not been writing
Please keep me in this state
Please keep me purgatorying
Please rock me back to sleep
This love is more than I have bargained for
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I'm equipped for.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
12w 2d non-instinct
The negative side effects are becoming more predictable. I will get so lightheaded while getting ready in the morning that I have to grip the bathroom sink and wait for my eyesight to return. I will feel like I need to throw up after eating anything larger than a snack. My brain will completely shut down and decide it's time to go to sleep around 2:30 every afternoon.
So that's my day, every day. It's better than being constantly lightheaded, nauseated, and/or fatigued, so I'm not complaining. Too much.
When Andy took the 12-week baby bump picture, he said, "This is weird. You look like you have an alien." Maybe we'll have to christen the baby "Ripley."
Loose-fitting clothing is a huge relief. I even went back and bought the jeans with the big elastic top, even though I won't get away with wearing them out anywhere yet, because it would be a dead giveaway.
The whole secret-keeping thing is starting to get really old. Can we just spread the news already? Thirteen days until the heartbeat appointment. Eight weeks until we find out the gender. Andy has asked me what I think, but I have absolutely no instincts about whether it's a boy or a girl. I think his cousin knew hers was a boy before the ultrasound. Is it normal to have that instinct? Is it accurate?
From "Gold Dust" by Tori Amos:
So that's my day, every day. It's better than being constantly lightheaded, nauseated, and/or fatigued, so I'm not complaining. Too much.
When Andy took the 12-week baby bump picture, he said, "This is weird. You look like you have an alien." Maybe we'll have to christen the baby "Ripley."
Loose-fitting clothing is a huge relief. I even went back and bought the jeans with the big elastic top, even though I won't get away with wearing them out anywhere yet, because it would be a dead giveaway.
The whole secret-keeping thing is starting to get really old. Can we just spread the news already? Thirteen days until the heartbeat appointment. Eight weeks until we find out the gender. Andy has asked me what I think, but I have absolutely no instincts about whether it's a boy or a girl. I think his cousin knew hers was a boy before the ultrasound. Is it normal to have that instinct? Is it accurate?
From "Gold Dust" by Tori Amos:
Letting names hang in the air
What color hair
Autumn knowingly stared
And the day that she came
Freezing that frame...
How did it go so fast
You'll say as we are looking back
And then we'll understand
We held gold dust in our hands
Monday, November 16, 2009
12 weeks anticipation
I now own two babydoll tops to conceal the bump and three new pairs of pants that are double my normal size (in "number" not inches). I went large so I'll have some room to grow into them. I can't help but be a tiny depressed at the number on the tag but, as Andy said, I have a reason at least.
Craving of the day: Ruffle chips with french onion dip. I feel like I could eat and eat and eat, which I'll take as a good sign that the first trimester is coming to a close. I still felt like I had a bad case of sea sickness this morning, though, so I'm not out of the water yet.
Our plans for telling the news officially to family are firming up for the weekend of December 12-13, four weekends from now. I told Andy the anticipation is killing me.
We'll be almost 16 weeks pregnant, I'll be confident by then that we're well into the safety zone, I predict the bump will be getting difficult to hide, we will have heard the heartbeat by then, and I may be feeling fetal movement. I absolutely CAN'T WAIT for all of the above. One month has never felt like such a long time.
This weekend, we went out with an old friend from high school and his wife, also expecting a baby. I feel like couples everywhere around me are expecting -- and they're all due at least a month before me, making me feel constantly like I'm behind on the excitement. I have to slow down and remember to enjoy every moment, even the discomfort and anticipation.
I had a vivid dream last night about caring for our newborn -- breastfeeding, changing diapers, trying to soothe the crying. I'm sure I have no real idea what it will be like, but the dream was so incredibly real. When I woke, I felt both bereft and sort of warm knowing that that day is coming. Ah, anticipation!
From "I Was Born Without You" by the always entertaining Tracy Bonham:
2:35 p.m.: If the fatigue gets any worse, I may slip into a coma.
Craving of the day: Ruffle chips with french onion dip. I feel like I could eat and eat and eat, which I'll take as a good sign that the first trimester is coming to a close. I still felt like I had a bad case of sea sickness this morning, though, so I'm not out of the water yet.
Our plans for telling the news officially to family are firming up for the weekend of December 12-13, four weekends from now. I told Andy the anticipation is killing me.
We'll be almost 16 weeks pregnant, I'll be confident by then that we're well into the safety zone, I predict the bump will be getting difficult to hide, we will have heard the heartbeat by then, and I may be feeling fetal movement. I absolutely CAN'T WAIT for all of the above. One month has never felt like such a long time.
This weekend, we went out with an old friend from high school and his wife, also expecting a baby. I feel like couples everywhere around me are expecting -- and they're all due at least a month before me, making me feel constantly like I'm behind on the excitement. I have to slow down and remember to enjoy every moment, even the discomfort and anticipation.
I had a vivid dream last night about caring for our newborn -- breastfeeding, changing diapers, trying to soothe the crying. I'm sure I have no real idea what it will be like, but the dream was so incredibly real. When I woke, I felt both bereft and sort of warm knowing that that day is coming. Ah, anticipation!
From "I Was Born Without You" by the always entertaining Tracy Bonham:
If you're no one till someone loves you
Then you're two people maybe more
'Cause it's not just how much I love you
It's how much of you I adore...
I walked these streets before I ever knew your name
And since you've been with me they'll never look the same...
2:35 p.m.: If the fatigue gets any worse, I may slip into a coma.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
11w 3d divulgence
Every time I think that the nausea is finally fading, it hits me harder than it ever has before. Of course, today it hit so hard and fast that I wound up doubled over and panting in someone else's office at work. There really was no way to hide the secret after that, not from a woman with four sons. So it's been divulged a little, and I feel a little better for it, because she really is like my mom away from home. :)
Now, to figure out how to tell everyone else...
On the plus side I was just notified that the curtains for the nursery have arrived! I'm deliriously happy. And so so so sick. Please end soon, please, before I pass out and/or vomit at work. Ugh.
We're officially under the 200 days-to-go mark. I don't know why that feels significant; it could just be the fact that the countdown widget looks different. Depending on whom you ask, we either have four days or eleven days until the second trimester. Then, 19 days from now, we'll finally hear the heartbeat.
So many milestones coming, and a lifetime of milestones to go.
Now, to figure out how to tell everyone else...
On the plus side I was just notified that the curtains for the nursery have arrived! I'm deliriously happy. And so so so sick. Please end soon, please, before I pass out and/or vomit at work. Ugh.
We're officially under the 200 days-to-go mark. I don't know why that feels significant; it could just be the fact that the countdown widget looks different. Depending on whom you ask, we either have four days or eleven days until the second trimester. Then, 19 days from now, we'll finally hear the heartbeat.
So many milestones coming, and a lifetime of milestones to go.
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