human

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I can stay awake for days
If that's what you want
Be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
If that's what you ask
Give you all I am

I can do it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
I'm only human

I can turn it on
Be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds
If that's what you need
Be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I'll get through it

But I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

I'm only human
I'm only human
Just a little human

I can take so much
Until I've had enough

Cause I'm only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I'm only human
And I crash and I break down
Your words in my head, knives in my heart
You build me up and then I fall apart
Cause I'm only human

Time has brought your heart to me

6 weeks 1 day

Today I saw your tiny heart beating, and it felt like I was meeting you for the first time. It was like shaking your hand, and learning that all the time I waited for you, you were waiting too—two stars moving toward each other across galaxies and finally getting our chance to collide.

Yes, just one baby in there.

Facts:

• This week, arms and legs are budding, the organs are forming, the umbilical cord has formed, and the facial features are becoming more defined. The little heart beats more than 100 times per minute.
• March 22 is the start of the second trimester (or March 15, depending on who you ask)
• May 10 is the middle of the pregnancy, when we would most likely learn blue or pink
• June 28 is the start of the third trimester (or June 21)
• September 27 baby is due (as of right now)

I had a number of songs while pregnant with Fletcher that felt like they belonged to us—Innocence by Avril Lavigne, These Are The Days by Van Morrison, In My Arms by Plumb, Sea Of Love by Cat Power, The Very Thought of You by Billie Holiday, Stay Awake from Mary Poppins, and I'm With You by Avril Lavigne (which I sang to him on the day he was born).

And now this is my song with you, tiny one.

A Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid
I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What's standing in front of me

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died every day waiting for you
Darling, don't be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I'll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you 
Time has brought your heart to me 
I have loved you for a thousand years 
I'll love you for a thousand more 

5 weeks pyrotechnics

Can you freak out from happiness? I feel so completely pregnant, and it's the happiest I've felt to the core in a long time. I'm a perpetually exploding firework, and I'm sure everyone must see my pyrotechnics.

With this kind of happiness comes complete vulnerability to the universe and what it could do. I'm at the mercy of a baby that's the size of a sesame seed, whose miniature heart is just beginning to beat. I'm at the mercy of my body, and my environment, and everything in my world. Just let me be happy, please, just let me have this.


Under your spell again.
I can't say no to you.
Crave my heart and it's bleeding in your hand.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you torture me so sweetly.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
I can't breathe but I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough for you.

Drink up sweet decadence.
I can't say no to you,
And I've completely lost myself,
and I don't mind.
I can't say no to you.

Shouldn't let you conquer me completely.
Now I can't let go of this dream.
Can't believe that I feel...

Good enough,
I feel good enough.
It's been such a long time coming,
but I feel good.

And I'm still waiting for the rain to fall.
Pour real life down on me.
'Cause I can't hold on to anything this good enough.

Am I good enough for you to love me too?

So take care what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no.

Good Enough by Evanescence

Where I can breathe

Elsewhere by Sarah McLachlan. This song has owned me for half of my life.

I love the time and in between the calm inside me 
In the space where I can breathe 
I believe there is a distance I have wandered  
To touch upon the years of reaching out and reaching in  

Holding out, holding in
I believe, this is heaven to no one else but me  
And I'll defend it, long as I can be 
Left here to linger in silence 
If I choose to, would you try to understand?
 
I know this love is passing time, passing through like liquid and
I'm drunk in my desire 
But I love the way you smile at me 
I love the way your hands reach out and hold me near

I believe, this is heaven to no one else but me  
And I'll defend it as long as I can be  
Left here to linger in silence  
If I choose to, would you try to understand?

Not Your Fault

I'm adding this song to the soundtrack of my life.



Baby, when I'm yelling at you
It's not your fault
It's not your fault, yeah
and baby cause I'm crazy for you
It's not your fault
It's not your fault, yeah
Maybe I'm a little confused
It's not your fault
It's not your fault, yeah
and baby, it's a wonderful news
It's not your fault
It's not your fault, yeah
Oh, it's not that you should care.
I just wanted you to know.

CD13 lethargy

Finally, something's happening. Fertile CM and cramps on the left side have made this a good day -- ovulation, here we come. I'm grateful when my body does what it's supposed to do.

I've been obsessed with bodily inner workings for several months now, but this is the first time I've had pain associated with impending ovulation. An effect of the pregnancy/miscarriage changes? I don't know, but I'll take it.

I remain... fuzzy. I wish I could snap out of that.

My second greatest desire (after having a baby) is writing fiction. I have ideas and initiative and it's always on my mind, but I can't seem to get going. Today it's because I lingered late at work, then tinkered around with dinner, and so on. In my heart I'm bursting with enthusiasm. Yet the rest of me is lost in a fog. There's no energy to do what my heart wants to do.

Part of the problem is in the details. Do I have too many broad ideas and nothing pinned down? Are opposing ideas getting mixed together and confused? Is my brain a sieve, leaking all the finer points as soon as they've been thought?

The other part of the problem is just me and my constant companion, lethargy. Even my grieving feels distant; the fog separates me from it. When will I feel like me again? Or is this the new me, forever altered, and I need to start dealing with it? I want to go to sleep and not wake up for a week.

Sometimes, I just don't care about anything.

"Fistful of Handshakes" by Anousheh Khalili.

I`ve reached the point where nothing is savored
Just scrutinized for enlisting in the race
And I`ve reached the point where vanity blazes
Just quietly enough to sense my praise

And all in all there`s nothing as tired as a fistful of handshakes
Made to live and die a lie
I`m at the point where I`m barely enough for myself
To keep my hands and chords alive

And they`re falling off again, my friend
Think they`ll come running back in time?
And they`re falling off
And firmly bound to seek someone with a little more fight

I`ve reached the point where my nervous stages
Climb their cages despite their insufferable plight
I`m at the point where my energy is waving slowly
Neither hello or goodbye

And all in all there`s nothing as broken as a misshapen word thrown out
With nothing left to say
I`m at the point where I`m barely enough for myself

And they`re falling off again, my friend
Think they`ll come running back in time?
And they`re falling off
And firmly bound to seek someone with a little more fight

CD2 miscarriage

I am empty.

How can the loss of something I barely had be so devastating? My future had been tied to that small life, and its end has destroyed me. It is the end of hope.

I have to grieve, accept, and get up each morning when I'd rather close my eyes and shut out everything that reminds me I once had a dream that came true.

Is there a limit to how much happiness a person is allowed to feel? I took too much pure joy for myself this past week. It couldn't be allowed to last. It had made the universe off balance. I had to suffer in equal measure.

Last night, we got together with four friends whom I met through my husband. Matt and Tiffanie, a truly awesome couple, shared their own struggle with me. It was very comforting, and I am so thankful for them. Their two beautiful children are proof that miscarriage is an ending, but not the ending.

As my husband said to me, "We are not the first people this has happened to." After crying almost straight through a five-hour period of time yesterday, this made me want to smack him. But he is, of course, right. He usually is, and he is good at grounding me when I am off in an unhealthy place. I am a very lucky woman to have him at my side.

So I will get out of bed today. Eventually. Some of my time will be spent crying, some of it feeling numb to everything, but I will go through the motions of the day.

Tomorrow, I receive the results of the blood tests that were done the day before my excruciating miscarriage, day one of yet another cycle. Will they be able to see the tragedy that had been coming? Or will the nurse call and congratulate me? Will I be able to not burst into tears when I tell her it's all over? I plan to meet with the doctor or request more tests during this new cycle. I'm tired of wondering and wasting time. I want to know for certain if something is wrong with my ability to sustain a pregnancy.

For now, I am enduring. There is no other choice.

"Not As We," by the amazing Alanis Morissette.

Reborn and shivering
Spat out on new terrain
Unsure unconvincing
This faint and shaky hour

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense for now
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Gun shy and quivering
Timid without a hand
Feign brave with steel intent
Little and hardly here

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
With not much making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we

Eyes wet toward
Wide open frayed
If God's taking bets
I pray he wants to lose

Day one day one start over again
Step one step one
I'm barely making sense just yet
I'm faking it til I'm pseudo-making it
From scratch begin again but this time I as I
And not as we.