26 weeks psych

The prenatal massage was, like most massages I've had, useless. I was on the table when it was all done, and my back still killed me with knots. The situation was the same before the pregnancy as it is now -- I can't find a massage therapist who will take me seriously when I say that the pain is intense. I must appear just another delicate female with a whining problem.

I'm tempted to be my stubborn self and just "deal" as I've done since quitting the chiropractor, but I'm only being lazy and hurting myself. So I made an appointment with a new chiropractor for Friday morning, a woman who specializes in pregnancy (among other things). Maybe it will be the same old problem and she won't understand me. Maybe my insurance will fail me. But I'll try.

It's the same reason I'll keep doing the Denise Austin pregnancy exercise DVD even though I want to slap her grinning, over-tanned face.

Because underneath the lazy facade, I'm not actually a quitter. I have my priorities pretty well in order.

I've been thinking a lot about mental health today, as well as nutrition and exercise. I filled out an online survey for the new chiropractor that covered all manner of health topics as part of this overall wellness plan (even though I'll only be taking advantage of the chiropractic side).

The results of my evaluation spoke very poorly for my nutrition (surprise, surprise), but well for my mental health. There were many questions about stress levels, dealing with problems, voicing my opinions, etc. I really wasn't worried about my mental health, communication skills, or coping methods, but it still felt good to pass the test, even if it was just a dumb online survey.

Now if only I could pass muster on the nutrition.

Andy said that we'll start eating better -- and eating at home -- before baby's arrival. We'll eat our fruits, veggies, and protein. We'll cut back on the grease. I'm all too aware that it's so much easier said than done.

We have to do it for baby! (Who, by the way, is very close to being named via compromise!) Bad nutrition or not, baby has been kick-kick-kicking.

I can't believe we're in the double-digits! Less than 100 days to go!

A favorite "mental health" song, "That I Would Be Good" by Alanis Morissette.

that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing

that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy

that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you

21w 4d pressure

It's been one of those weeks where I eat, sleep, and breathe work (literally, I dreamed I was working). Friday is here, and now the exhaustion is catching up with me.

My new shiatsu massage pillow came in the mail last night, and it was wonderful on my aching back. Maybe too wonderful... I feel a little bruised this morning.

Regarding names, the process has been put on hold. We have a few months, after all. But I did hear Andy say this week, in reference to getting the nursery in order, "I guess this isn't something we can procrastinate."

This baby really is a ticking clock, and as the countdown gets closer, my heart beats a little faster. I -- me -- the one who's been wanting a baby and pushing for a baby for years -- I feel the apprehension building, little pulses of panic in my stomach. Everything will change.

Everything will change.

I look at my body and can't recognize my waistline. I just look BIG. I try to remember that I wanted -- was looking forward to -- "the bump."

I look at the cats, especially Bella who has been my baby through all the biggest moments of my life, and I wonder how I'm going to deal with the fact that I won't be able to baby her anymore. Is it sad that she's one of my best friends? She's just a cat. But I'm going to have to start kicking her out of our bedroom soon, because she'll pose a threat to numero uno, the real baby.

The way that I diffuse the pressure is to plan and prepare as much as I can as soon as possible. I've mentioned this before. What I need to remember is that this isn't the same for Andy. I can't be putting all this pressure on him to get everything ready immediately, including the baby's name.

The truth is, I haven't had that "lightning bolt" moment where I think, "This is it. This is the perfect name for our baby." Sure, I have names that I love more than others. But Andy has found his lightning bolt, and unless I have my own little eureka, Andy is going to win out... Which is actually wonderful, seeing a connection between him and this little thing inside me.

Well, if I never find my exact perfect name for this one, I'll just have to take naming rights for the next Baby Schultz.

Probably my favorite movie featuring pregnancy is "Where The Heart Is." Here are lyrics from the movie's theme, "That's the Beat of a Heart."

No one can tell you how to get there
It's a road you take all by yourself
So listen with all your heart, hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leading you
That's the beat of a heart.

21 weeks names

I felt something this morning on the way to work (always in the car, it seems...) that puts what I've been calling "kicks" to shame. Seriously, I swerved while driving. I don't know what this baby was doing, but it hurt! I imagined it was turning itself around the hard way.

I had an idea for the nursery -- hanging a baby picture of myself and one of Andy, and then putting one of Baby Schultz in the middle when we get to that point. Here are ours:

Lindsay Dawn, 5 weeks "surprise face"

Andrew Gerald, 5 months "happy baby"

The last week, we've slowly been arguing talking over names. I thought it would be a little more fun than this. Of course, we're just starting out, so maybe it will get better.

In typical fashion, I had my long, carefully chosen list of names all set to go, but none of them won. Andy has had his mind set on one name in particular, which I don't dislike, but I feel lukewarm toward it. We'll just have to keep searching for the perfect one, I guess.

Anyone have any favorites/suggestions? I can say with some certainty that we won't be choosing a name that's in the current top 100 (or maybe even top 1,000) names.

I ♥ stick people. (Thanks, Alyssa)