11DPO stupid test

July 14, 2011

You suck, pregnancy tests. I hate you. I have a lot of words for this, but none of them are worth reading. Blah blah blah you suck. I'm having a caffeinated soda and a candy bar and screw it all.

I'm so tired of myself.

From "With Every Heartbeat" by Robyn:

Maybe we can make it alright
We could make it better sometime
Maybe we can make it happen baby
We could keep trying but things will never change

So I don't look back
Still I'm dying with every step I take
But I don't look back

And it hurts with every heartbeat

4:36 p.m.: Ohmygod I'm sweating my butt off. Is this a PMS thing then? I'm going to say that it is. But you know I'm going to pee on another stick tomorrow anyway. Stupid tests.

I'm too tired not to be lazy

I don't know if I'm lazy or not. The true answer is probably sometimes.

Regarding my home, I'm suddenly out of time to do everything that needed doing. A potential buyer is coming tomorrow and we aren't ready. It isn't just the basics (like picking up toys and cleaning the counters) that aren't done. Major gardening that should've been started in spring (and maintained) never was. Now it's too late and we have no choice but to be the house with more weeds than grass.

I haven't hung that shelf. The windows haven't been washed since we moved in. If the realtor opens any closet doors, he runs the risk of a booby-trap-style collapse of the excess that I haphazardly stashed away. I haven't deep cleaned the kitty litter pans.

It would be a fantastic feeling to catch up on all of this and have a beautiful, clean home. So why wasn't it on my top priorities before now, when it's too late? When I look at my priorities, I feel guilty. I'm a good mom, but I'm capable of more. I could do a better job of juggling.

I can only assume the price would be even more fatigue, and I'm just so damn tired all the time as it is. I can't concentrate on anything. I get headaches. My energy level is only mediocre.

But I could stay up past the toddler's bedtime every night and do at least one extra household-y thing (in addition to picking up the toys, washing baby dishes, sometimes scooping kitty litter, and getting ready for bed).

Would it be worth it?

10DPO negative

July 13, 2011

This is not the first post with that title. In both previous pregnancies, I received a negative test result on 10DPO, followed by a positive on 11DPO. Why did I bother testing today? Sentimentality. Eagerness. Lack of self control.

I told myself yesterday that if my BBT was elevated today, I would test. It was elevated (see chart), and I felt that first flutter of nerves in my stomach. It's been a long time since I felt that flutter, and the disappointment of the one lonely line on the test.

My rational side is ordering me to snap out of it. I never get an accurate result on 10DPO. And if the test is negative tomorrow? There's always the next cycle. And I won't have to worry about going into labor during the wedding of my step-sister-in-law.

Still... this whole thing has a dreamlike quality. Two years ago, it was all that consumed my thoughts -- my temperature chart, signs of pregnancy, test results.

Trying to conceive again feels like stepping into a memory.


3:45 p.m.: I don't want to jinx this crap, but on 10DPO last pregnancy, I made a 3:28 p.m. footnote that I felt hot and tired. And now it's 3:45 and I'm hot and tired. The "tired" isn't unusual, but the "hot" definitely is. I anxiously await tomorrow's test.