July 17, 2009 poem

I thought the moment we started trying for a child would be the beginning of the rest of our lives. It was the beginning of failure, a cycle so vicious and draining that I wonder how I’m supposed to survive this despair.

Andy’s wishes to hold off for a few years were supposed to be the only obstacle. Five months after our decision finally to have a child, and I’m still screaming.

heartbeat

wanting something I can’t have
wishing for something just out of reach
there, so close
around me everywhere I go
pressing at my thoughts
with me in every heartbeat
then I think this is it, I finally have it
and the dream pulses with life and love and promise and future
but I blink
I look around me
and it’s gone
the phantom vanishes, taking all life and hope with it
taking the heartbeat
and leaving an empty chest

Dec. 12, 2008 poem

Ghost

Dreaming, I saw the bassinet and
heard the loud cries. A baby, a ghost,
softly swaddled in white cotton and
so real I sat up and
reached for him or
her to give comfort in the night.

My arms fell. I was alone, and
in the great absence,
Empty conceived Grief.

But in bed, holding the infant in my arm, I knew
Love in condensed form
so beautiful it couldn’t be real but
was. Or would be in a millennium
unless Grief came to term.

Dec. 11, 2008 poem

In the Wait

In the wait
as if perched on a branch
wings trapped to my sides
wishing one swift wind
would carry me
into my life
unnaturally