31w 2d flames

** Too much information warning. **

Any amount of blood in the urine is enough to make this particular pregnant woman hyperventilate, let alone what the nurse today described as "a lot." This just adds to a fun-filled day of waking up at 2 a.m. with the sensation that my nether regions have been set on fire.

I waited an unusually long time for the doctor today, who then seemed very rushed in our appointment. That left me feeling unsatisfied with the diagnosis.

Okay, to be honest, what left me feeling unsatisfied was more the extensive online research I did prior to the doctor appointment, which had me convinced that I could be suffering from at least a dozen different problems, including early labor.

The diagnosis of the old standby -- urinary tract infection (UTI) -- was unsatisfactory because the burning is there constantly and doesn't feel at all connected to urinating. I warned you about receiving too much information in this post, didn't I?

So the doctor didn't really examine anything, just took the baby's heartbeat again and scribbled off a prescription for antibiotics. "They'll be ready when you get there," the doctor had said. She must not be familiar with Wal-Mart.

Now I'm drinking water like it's going out of style in the hopes of flushing that little pill as quickly as possible to the burning nether regions.

In the back of my mind is still the nagging worry that something else could be wrong, but my logical half says that's the obsession talking. In any case, baby's heartbeat was good and my weight had not changed. In other physical news, my back pain has improved to the point I had hoped -- no more episodes of unbearable pain, just the usual discomfort. I'll try to be grateful for that, even as it feels like my chair has burst into flames.

From "Let the Flames Begin" by Paramore:

I give it all my oxygen
To let the flames begin...
This is how we'll dance
When they try to take us down
This is what will be, oh glory
Somewhere weakness is our strength
And I'll die searching for it
I can't let myself regret such selfishness
My pain and all the trouble caused
No matter how long
I believe that there's hope

31 weeks promotion

"... and then I think, Wow, she's really going to have a baby..."

I'm not the only one who has a difficult time with the reality of what's coming, what's happening, what's changing. I received a promotion today. The quote is from my boss, who was in the process of making it clear -- because sometimes it's good to say these things out loud -- that she would never be the kind of employer who lets her employees' pregnancy or parental situations affect their job status or potential.

Still... Wow, she's having a baby... That's going to change things...

So my boss and I made tentative plans to discuss the details of the maternity leave at a time closer to the due date. She said she wasn't sure if I wanted to be cut off during my leave or if I wanted to stay in the loop, checking emails and checking in. Maybe you don't know yet either, she said.

It's true. Speculation fills my plate. With a side of anticipation, a cold glass of anxiety, and impatience for dessert. I want so badly to get started, to meet this person who's going to change things so absolutely -- who has already begun changing things. Changing me.

Will it all become routine? Will the time come that there is no distance anymore that I will stand and look out at my life and my husband and my child, my family, with incredulity? At what point will it seem real?

Even with the impatience is the sense that things are in a constant state of motion, so that as soon as I grow used to something, it has already moved on, moved up... been promoted to the next step. There is no doubt my child will be the same.

What Andy was singing to my belly tonight -- "Oooh, oooh, child... you're gunna come out in 60-some days..."
From "Ooh, Child," by Five Stairsteps:

Some day we'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Some day when your head is much lighter, yeah
Some day, we'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun, yes, we will
Some day when the world is much brighter

Ooh, ooh, child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh, ooh, child, things'll get brighter

30w 3d husband

Another year has passed for Andy. Even though he was stuck at work, I tried to fill his birthday with good things like apple pie and pizza and cookies and balloons. And lots of love.

He has this thing with "joking" about what a worthless/useless loser he is, mostly when he is at work or feeling down about his working situation. It isn't that he's ungrateful for the job. The truth is... if he didn't deserve so much better, there would be no reason for him to be this dissatisfied. If he wasn't worth so much more than his employer has made him, he wouldn't feel demoralized. If he wouldn't make a great asset to the companies to which he has sent his resume, he wouldn't be so dejected by the lack of response.

Honey, you are far -- so far -- from "loser." There's nothing I can say to make your job suck less. But I can remind you of what you already know so well: I am on your side in all things. No one could ever love you more than I, except perhaps this little person whom we've made. You can think of that the next time you sling your arm around me in the middle of the night and find that you're unable to sleep with all the kicking and scraping and swimming around that's happening in my belly under your arm.

You put that little kicker there and I love you for it, just as I love you for being so funny, for the way your brain works, your common sense, the way you laugh, how you're not afraid to pick fights with strangers, how you force hugs out of people, how you clean the house when you realize I'm not going to, how you care enough to get angry when I'm mean to you, how you try to protect me from my own gullibility, how you see the beauty in small things like a well-made guitar, how you pour your love out to your cat, the way you're unafraid to be honest, the million small ways you have of showing me you that you love me too...

Happy Birthday.

From one of "our" songs... "No One Like You" by Scorpions:

I just need you like never before
Just imagine you'd come through this door
You'd take all my sorrow away
There's no one like you
I can't wait for the nights with you
I imagine the things we'll do
I just want to be loved by you
No one like you