35w 3d effacement

Progress...

I got the car seat all set up to go in my little two-door. It was actually pretty simple and just has the drawback of making the passenger seat (which was already uncomfortable for Andy) even more uncomfortable, because it can't be pushed all the way back now.

I'm still beaming from today's doctor appointment. I'm doing what all the pregnant women do -- getting all excited about physical progress that really doesn't guarantee anything. But dang it's cool.

The doctor said the baby's heartbeat couldn't be any more perfect. She pushed around and felt the baby more than anyone ever has -- quite a feeling -- and confirmed that the head is down, the big rump on my left, and the legs and feet way up on the right, like I thought.

Then I got my first real exam measurement and I heard her say the sweetest words: "I don't think you're going to make it to your due date."

Part of me is all, She's just getting my hopes up. But then the really eager part of me is all, Isn't she the expert?

Well, I'm one centimeter dilated and 70 percent effaced. And I have to admit I Googled to find out what I should be doing to help things along.

Go, baby, go!

Time for a fun song. Explorations into trip-hop have unearthed this onomatopoetic gem, "Fun For Me" by Moloko:

I dreamt that I was dreaming, I was wired to a clock,
Tickled by the minute hand, tick tock, tick tick tock...

I dream I'm in a tunnel between here and now,
Scooby dooby, where would you be, bow wow wow wow,
I dream I'm at a crossroads, no place left to go,
I look in each direction, eeny meeny miny mo...

Fee, fi, fo, fun for me... fun for me

35w 1d lost

I hope everyone in my world can forgive me if I'm a wee bit sensitive. "Wee bit" as in I started a fight over a sentence in a car seat manual. As in I cried half of last night over something stupid and then started scrubbing down the kitchen in an attempt to refuse to talk about it. Yeah, I roll like that now.

Although my emotional state isn't rational, it is still real. I can gain perspective and see that what had seemed absolutely heartbreaking yesterday should not have been. Because really, it was just stupid words and no one is out to hurt me intentionally... But it doesn't change the fact that my heart did break. Does that make sense?

How horrible must pregnancy be for someone who truly is alone, instead of just feeling alone with all of this.

Tomorrow is our first baby's due date. Fate reminded me today via iPod shuffle with one of my favorite songs, Last of Days by A Fine Frenzy, which I cannot listen to without thinking of the baby I would never get to know or see or hold. I've posted the song before, but I just want to post it again, for the little lost one. You'll never be gone, not for me.

the sun is in the east,
rising for the beasts
and the beauties
if only I could tear it down,
plant it in the ground to warm your face

I built myself a castle on the beach
watching as it slid into the sea

the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

through wars and harvest moons
I will wait for you.
the world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

34w 6d ready

Everything is ready. My bag is packed. Baby's bag is packed. We have the car seat, the diapers, the cute going-home outfit.

Now the strange dreams are surfacing. As if it isn't bad enough that I can't sleep through the night, I'm waking up stressed and worried by the dumb images my subconscious digs up. Last night I gave birth to a baby girl who was, the very next day, potty trained and speaking... and one week later was a grown woman (who weirdly enough had no hair and wore very bad makeup).

In the dream it was explained as a rare condition called sarcoidosis (which I just Googled and found out is actually a swelling/inflammation disease, not a condition where you grow to adulthood in a matter of seven days). I loved this child/woman/whatever she was, but felt deeply panicked and cheated by the situation. And woke up stressed.

So I busied myself this morning with adding the final touches to the hospital bags, into which I've packed much more than baby or I will actually need. I stood motionless in the nursery for a while, just looking, because everything is pretty well unboxed and unwrapped and waiting for baby's arrival.

We're all waiting for baby's arrival, ready in all the ways that anyone can be. Eager and impatient, fearful of the unknown, worried for all the things that can go wrong... but ready.

Sia was sadly underrepresented on the blog. Here is "I Go To Sleep," her cover of The Pretenders:

When morning comes again
I have the loneliness you left me
Each day drags by
Until finally my time descends on me
I go to sleep
And imagine that you're there with me