You hear all the time that all things change and you can't avoid change. Nowhere has that been more obvious to me than with my baby.
There's nothing I could love more than him, which is why it is so jarring to wake up one day and his personality is barely recognizable. The sound of his voice is different. The way he laughs is different. His cry is different. The way he nurses, his appetite, his reactions are all different.
When I tried to communicate how lost I feel, Andy said, "Do you think I came home from the gas station with the wrong baby?"
It could be a growth spurt. It could be his (two!) teeth. It could be the natural way these things go. The same thought kept occurring to me today -- this could be the way things are now. The crying and apparent anger and unhappiness might be more than just holiday confusion and teething. This could be the baby's personality for the foreseeable future.
After spending half an hour crying for no obvious reason, something he never used to do, he's now sleeping, and I'm breathing deeply and finding anchors -- comforting things that haven't changed, that I can count on to stay the same.
My love for my baby hasn't changed. If anything, I love him more in his time of need.
My love for my husband hasn't changed. If anything, it's stronger in my time of need.
My home is still here. My job is unchanged. I am still me.
For better or for worse. In the laughter and the tears. I can't promise I won't break down and cry whenever he does, but that's okay. We're a family and we have each other.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Ten things that didn't suck but now they suck just a little bit
10) Office Lunches. Free food isn't worth going ten hours without the baby and having to add another session with the breast pump to my work day.
9) Pumping. It used to be easy. But the twins have caught on that this isn't natural and this contraption isn't really a baby. Now they must be beaten into submission. Twice a day. And sometimes on weekends. Especially on holidays.
8) Holidays. I'm new at this. Eventually I'll figure out how to haul a baby, diaper bag, breast pump with car adapter, boppy pillow, teething gel, toys, blankets, and spoon feeding supplies to six different places in three days plus a trip to Wal-Mart during the busiest shopping weekend without forgetting the baby's jacket or, you know, having a meltdown.
7) Shopping. It used to be great to browse around, especially at Christmas. Now there aren't words dark enough for how much other shoppers at our Wal-Mart suck. The gift I have for repressing my feelings among these rude, inconsiderate, clueless strangers will fail one day soon, resulting in a volcano of cart-crashing rage.
6) Teeth. They are so not worth what it takes to grow them.
5) Toys With Catchy Music. Get it out of my head. Get it out of my head!
4) Cats. If the baby's blanket is on the floor, a cat will be on it. If the baby's toy is on the floor, a cat will be playing with it. If neither of these is the case, the cats will be on the kitchen table, on the kitchen counters, or in the kitchen sink, doing their damnedest to get cat hair on every single surface.
3) Driving. We don't really fit in our cars anymore. Even without my family and the required bags, my back pain has gotten to the point where I despise sitting anywhere, especially my car.
2) Showering. It was one of the best parts of the day. It would relieve some of my back pain, it was relaxing, it was great to be clean. Now it takes twice as long as I dash in and out of the bathtub to rescue the baby who has found some new crevice to roll into and smack his head.
1) Independence. Andy and I always were independent of each other, with nearly opposite schedules, and it worked fine. Now, sometimes it's like being a single parent.
9) Pumping. It used to be easy. But the twins have caught on that this isn't natural and this contraption isn't really a baby. Now they must be beaten into submission. Twice a day. And sometimes on weekends. Especially on holidays.
8) Holidays. I'm new at this. Eventually I'll figure out how to haul a baby, diaper bag, breast pump with car adapter, boppy pillow, teething gel, toys, blankets, and spoon feeding supplies to six different places in three days plus a trip to Wal-Mart during the busiest shopping weekend without forgetting the baby's jacket or, you know, having a meltdown.
7) Shopping. It used to be great to browse around, especially at Christmas. Now there aren't words dark enough for how much other shoppers at our Wal-Mart suck. The gift I have for repressing my feelings among these rude, inconsiderate, clueless strangers will fail one day soon, resulting in a volcano of cart-crashing rage.
6) Teeth. They are so not worth what it takes to grow them.
5) Toys With Catchy Music. Get it out of my head. Get it out of my head!
4) Cats. If the baby's blanket is on the floor, a cat will be on it. If the baby's toy is on the floor, a cat will be playing with it. If neither of these is the case, the cats will be on the kitchen table, on the kitchen counters, or in the kitchen sink, doing their damnedest to get cat hair on every single surface.
3) Driving. We don't really fit in our cars anymore. Even without my family and the required bags, my back pain has gotten to the point where I despise sitting anywhere, especially my car.
2) Showering. It was one of the best parts of the day. It would relieve some of my back pain, it was relaxing, it was great to be clean. Now it takes twice as long as I dash in and out of the bathtub to rescue the baby who has found some new crevice to roll into and smack his head.
1) Independence. Andy and I always were independent of each other, with nearly opposite schedules, and it worked fine. Now, sometimes it's like being a single parent.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
six months old
The official six month photo:
And the runner up:
Not long ago, six months old sounded a long way off. When the grandparents-to-be talked about how neat Christmas was going to be with a baby in the family, it sounded like a distant, hazy future.
It's here. I really am a mother. He really is a big, healthy, beautiful baby boy who's been here a full six months and changed our lives in all the best ways.
We sang "Happy Half-Birthday To You" for him, and I tried to freeze him, the image of his soft hair, round cheeks, and little nibbled fingers, to save in my memory forever.
And the runner up:
Not long ago, six months old sounded a long way off. When the grandparents-to-be talked about how neat Christmas was going to be with a baby in the family, it sounded like a distant, hazy future.
It's here. I really am a mother. He really is a big, healthy, beautiful baby boy who's been here a full six months and changed our lives in all the best ways.
We sang "Happy Half-Birthday To You" for him, and I tried to freeze him, the image of his soft hair, round cheeks, and little nibbled fingers, to save in my memory forever.
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