Monday, November 23, 2009

13 weeks disconnect

The nausea is lingering right on into the second trimester, dampening my excitement in the landmark.

It seems like the last appointment -- the last time I saw my baby -- was light years behind me, somewhere back in the vague and distant past when this whole pregnancy thing seemed much more real. Today, I'm wondering (irrationally) is it still in there? Is it still alive? Is it okay? Has it grown at all? Does it look more like a baby and less like a video game villain?

Is this all really happening, or were the last couple of months purely a dream?

I keep reminding myself of the signs that it's real: the nausea, the way none of my pants would fit, how I ate a giant dinner last night and topped it off with cream puffs and a bag of Chex Mix followed by about eleven hours of sleep...

Then there's the fact that I'm suddenly out of shape. As in, tasks like walking up stairs or even just standing long enough to wash my face wipe me out. My heart beats furiously and I can't get enough air in my lungs, which results in pressure in my chest and the need to sit down. Seriously? What is this? Luckily I spend most of my time sitting anyway, because I constantly have to pee.

Another sign? I think I heard Andy say at least twice yesterday, "Why are you crying?"

But with all of that, I'm still feeling disconnected from my baby today. I need some reassurance. An ultrasound. A picture. A heartbeat. A little nudge to tell me that, yes, it is in there doing its somersaults and stretching its legs and sucking its little thumb.

In tribute to tiredness... from "Purgatorying" by Alanis Morissette.
Don't disturb me in this state
Please leave me purgatorying
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I'm equipped for
I've held you up like a deity
Like you're the sole owner of wings
This unrequited tunnel vision
And I wonder why I've not been writing
Please keep me in this state
Please keep me purgatorying
Please rock me back to sleep
This love is more than I have bargained for
I'll be damned if I'm to wake
This is far more than I'm equipped for.

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