Thursday, February 4, 2010

23w 3d dream

I had a realistic dream last night. Not that it made sense -- my dreams never really do. But it felt so real. I gave birth and I held you and Andy named you, and later I fed you outside under the sun. You had the funniest little face and red hair (no idea why).

Even though I have the real thing here inside me, I felt a little empty when I woke up. There was real love in the dream, even if it was just in my head.

Lately, with the different moods and emotions swirling through me, it's as though I have multiple personality disorder. I could describe all the personalities here, but it would take up the whole page. Suffice it to say that I range from the blind fog of panic and indecision to the bright clarity of patient love to the come-on-already desire to blink away the next 116 days and get started on my new life, new role.

On a personal level, it's like my identity has completely changed. Although I have a self-professed baby obsession, am I ready for that to define me? To no longer be the person I've been, to become this new role?

Going back and forth in these moods is so exhausting!

Maybe whenever I get scared I can think of the dream again, where the love spread through me like the warmth from the sun, and there was nothing bad that could touch me as long as I had you in my arms and Andy at my side, looking down at you with the love so clear in his eyes.

By the way, thank you to everyone who provided registry input. It was incredibly handy to get expert opinions, and at 134 items total, the registries are certainly comprehensive! Buying things and choosing things for the registry has been a great way to calm myself down and help get prepared. Here is our new crib and changing table combo, which came with a free mattress. (Thanks, Gerry and Agnes!)

I spotted this song on Andy's iPod and remembered that I had once thought it might be our wedding song (in the end we went with "I Only Have Eyes For You" as sung by our wedding band). But I still have a soft spot for this song, and now it seems near perfect for Baby Schultz. From "To Make You Feel My Love" by Garth Brooks (written by Bob Dylan):
When the rain is blowing in your face
And the whole world is on your case
I could offer you a warm embrace
To make you feel my love

When the evening shadows and the stars appear
And there is no one to dry your tears
I could hold you for a million years
To make you feel my love...

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do
Go to the ends of the earth for you
Make you happy, make your dreams come true
To make you feel my love

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