15w 4d adjustment

peeking out

Before having a baby, I heard and read often about what a change it is to be saddled with an infant, what a burden. The evidence sited was the usual list of tasks that exhaust -- constant feedings and lack of sleep, the necessary constant supervision, diapering, teething, adjusting to being "strapped" to someone and losing your independence, as well as the monetary cost.

What I've learned -- what I learned instantly -- was that none of this is a burden. It's a change, sure. One thing ensures that none of these are a burden: love.

What I wasn't told was how this love is the greatest burden. The weight carried has nothing to do with how Fletcher wakes in the middle of the night, or how he explodes out of his diaper, or how we can't go to the movies without a babysitter. It has nothing to do with how his sudden (early, as usual) teething makes him irritable, or how diapers are $20 per box, or how his skin and scalp need constant pampering to avoid terrible rashes.

Love is the greatest burden because the weight of it is constant, no matter where I am or what I'm doing. This love has sharp hooks that will never come dislodged, heavy chains that will never loosen. It's hard loving someone so much. The worry for him, the need to be with him, the fear that he may be unhappy or hungry or in pain... THIS is the only burden that comes with becoming a parent.

All that stuff on the list, all those "changes" you have to adjust to? You can adjust to them. It's simple; it comes with the territory. But this love is a lot to get used to.

baby peeks at daddy

A new song I'm addicted to, "Rivers of Love" by Sarah McLachlan.

It all comes down
To leaving it all behind
And moving on
To the rivers of love
And never be lonely again...
How long have you waited?
How long 'til you drown?