CD12 time

July 26, 2011

It's cycle day 12 and I can't help wishing on my lucky stars that something will happen this month.

Am I really this eager for Baby Deuce, really for real? Or is it just how much I loved being pregnant that makes me want it again? The excitement. The ultrasounds. The little kicks that mean a tiny person is inside me. The magic when the baby is born.

...What will happen then? Is it any more possible to be ready for the lifestyle change of *two* children, than it was to be ready for the first? It's a scary future. Scary but wonderful, I'm sure. But we are so SPOILED with our little guy. In part, I don't want anything to change.

There's the problem. I'm so happy.

I'm not sure it's possible to be happier. I'm not sure there's enough of me to spread around a husband and two children without being spread so thin that I lose my happiness. I know I CAN do it, I just don't know if I'm going to lose something. I imagine some of what will be gained -- another person to love, the pleasure of seeing my children interact with each other, doubling this joy I already feel whenever I see my son learn something.

There's time. At this point in the trying-to-conceive process, there's lots of time to ponder and crave and worry and obsess. It's a blessing and a curse.