12w 4d movie

The lower half of my abdomen feels like a construction zone. There are a lot of unexplained noises, twinges, tugging, and tickling. I need x-ray vision. I'm perversely interested in the inner workings of the body -- I always have been into the bloody gore of it all -- it's just a shame I did so poorly in high school biology. I might have made a good surgeon or something similar.

But, alas, I'll stay at my bloody-gore-free desk.

Tonight, I go to see the movie New Moon with my sister. I have not made a secret of my love of the Twilight Saga. But I have a few things to say.

First, it's not Shakespeare. Like the Harry Potter series, the writing is such that you sink immediately into the story without noticing the words. However, for me, New Moon is the exception to this.

Let me say first that I am unlike all other Twilight Saga (the books) fans that I know. Everyone else thinks that New Moon is boring and without plot, and/or that Breaking Dawn (the fourth and final book) is the wrong ending to the series. Not me.

I think the saga is absolutely perfect. I've read it an embarrassing number of times.

Regarding New Moon, it is undoubtedly character-driven. It is also my favorite of the four. The writing is poetic, moving, unapologetic in its drifting-lost-misery. When I was broken by my miscarriage, this novel captured it perfectly and beautifully, putting words to what I thought was wordless.

Now, the movie, on the other hand...

I already know that Hollywood has created plot(s) that was/were not in the novel, as well it probably should (as painful as it is for me to admit) -- the novel wouldn't translate well to film.

So in my head I have taken the name "New Moon" off the title of the film and instead have renamed it, "The Chance To See Two Hot Actors Take Off Their Shirts, and Watch That Whiny Kristen Stewart Jump Off a Cliff." It should be good times.

CD10 nothing

More than a week has passed. I think again of Bella in New Moon.

Time passes. Even when it seems impossible. Even when each tick of the second hand aches like the pulse of blood behind a bruise. It passes unevenly, in strange lurches and dragging lulls, but pass it does. Even for me.

One positive result of the ordeal (for me, anyway) is that Andy is almost as eager now as I am for a successful pregnancy. The way he put it, this was like a failure, and he feels the need to prove that we can do it right.

Whatever gets him involved is fine by me. I didn't want to admit to myself before that his nonchalant attitude hurt. It shouldn't have -- there's nothing wrong with feeling like "if it happens, it happens." But I (secretly?) really wanted him to feel as strongly as I felt. Like this whole decision is huge and exciting and really desired.

So this adds a nice little positive to combat the negative. I'm not alone with my craving.

But the heavy sadness and bulky impatience are twisted tightly around each other, inseparable, unbreakable, growing in strength. It ties me tighter every day. At moments it will pull at me without any warning, squeezing my chest until I can't breathe. I have no choice but to endure and wait. No alternative. Nothing to do in the meantime. Nothing even to numb me, anymore. A bit like Bella's New Moon night terrors, there's nothing but nothing.

"Numb" by Sia.

I saw you cry today

The pain may fill you

I saw you shy away

The pain will not kill you

You made me smile today

You spoke with many voices

We traveled miles today

Shared expressions voiceless

It has to end

Living in your head

Without anything to numb you

Living on the edge

Without anything to numb you

It has to end to begin

Began an end today

Gave and got given

You made a friend today
Kindred soul cracked spirit

It has to end to begin

Living in your head
Without anything to numb you

Living on the edge

Without anything to numb you

It has begun

CD5 repression

Andy surprised me on our anniversary by taking me to the movie theater. He expected me to choose The Time Traveler's Wife, but I still don't feel up to watching a movie that I know will feature the romantic love story complete with child. So I chose Inglorious Basterds, and loved it. Very different, very funny yet gory, very Quentin Tarantino.

Today feels a lot more bearable to me. I am coming back. The dominant feelings now are impatience tempered with disappointment, and I can live with that. I've found a corner where I can put the pain and forget about it for longer stretches of time, as long as I'm not watching romantic baby comedies and the like.

It reminds of New Moon, when Bella avoids all things that remind her of what she lost, in order to stay numb.

I am relieved that my petty anger is also gone. Though there is still jealousy, it is small and more natural. All in all, it feels like a better day. Empty, but not desolate.

A good friend that I've had since childhood and her husband recently welcomed a second baby girl to the family, and I feel joy and relief that baby and mother are both healthy now (despite a scary third trimester). No one deserves it more, and I can't wait to meet her!

This is one of my favorite quotes from New Moon by Stephenie Meyer.

I was like a lost moon -- my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation -- that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity.