Note from the Management

It's hard, it's so hard, trying to be the conductor, the director, the manager of every detail of our complicated lives, down to the minutes. Down to the seconds. It's the manager who is responsible, the manager who shoulders the weight of this heavy, heavy house of cards I'm balancing. And I'm just not stable enough, not tough and firm and sticky enough right now, to be the glue that keeps this card house from collapsing. If I can never voluntarily rest, the day will come when I involuntarily do. I don't know how my fall will manifest--add it to the very long list of things I just don't know.

CD1 dysfunction

Dysfunction

We got along great for a while.
You kept me happy.
You had me
Convinced
that my dream was coming true.
I fell for you or
what you offered.
Today the romance is gone.
Today
you hurt me.
And now I remember it's not
the first time.
How stupid you make me feel.
How much
Power
you have over me.
I knew that you made me
Vulnerable
and I kept you still.
I couldn't not.
We're sitting in the same room
and I can't stand to look at you.
So I keep my distance
and refuse to listen
and imagine a
Freedom
from you that will never exist.

Today, nature made a fool of me. The poem is addressed to my silly sense of hope, which (in failing) has turned me sullen.

I dwell too much on what I think I want. May I never forget how much I have (everything).

This morning, Fletcher stuck his arm up to his elbow inside the empty pregnancy test box. He waved that arm around like a robot invader from the future. His secret weapon was his disarming smile. How could I not be disarmed by him? How could anything be missing from my life?

From Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple. A classic, to me.

Days like this
I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion.