CD1 dysfunction

Dysfunction

We got along great for a while.
You kept me happy.
You had me
Convinced
that my dream was coming true.
I fell for you or
what you offered.
Today the romance is gone.
Today
you hurt me.
And now I remember it's not
the first time.
How stupid you make me feel.
How much
Power
you have over me.
I knew that you made me
Vulnerable
and I kept you still.
I couldn't not.
We're sitting in the same room
and I can't stand to look at you.
So I keep my distance
and refuse to listen
and imagine a
Freedom
from you that will never exist.

Today, nature made a fool of me. The poem is addressed to my silly sense of hope, which (in failing) has turned me sullen.

I dwell too much on what I think I want. May I never forget how much I have (everything).

This morning, Fletcher stuck his arm up to his elbow inside the empty pregnancy test box. He waved that arm around like a robot invader from the future. His secret weapon was his disarming smile. How could I not be disarmed by him? How could anything be missing from my life?

From Sullen Girl by Fiona Apple. A classic, to me.

Days like this
I don't know what to do with myself
All day and all night
I wander the halls along the walls
And under my breath I say to myself
I need fuel to take flight
And there's too much going on
But it's calm under the waves
In the blue of my oblivion.

11DPO deluded

August 11, 2011

So yeah, negative. But I'm not giving up. In fact, I see a second line if I look with my peripheral vision.

In related news, I'm pathetic.

Update: I got an expert second opinion. She began in the negative, then offered, "The longer I look at it, the more I think maybe there is a second line." Exactly. Maybe if I stare for ten whole minutes, I'll become pregnant.

Update 2: I thought to myself, "I'm not gonna give up," and now I can't get Rick Astley out of my head. What a morning.

Update 3: It's not even noon and I've typed so many symptoms into fertilityfriend.com that it exploded and the dust of my delusions is raining down upon the Internet. LOOK OUT, YOU MAY BE NEXT.

Update 4: Just when I'm losing hope, my iPod makes its first shuffle... to the first song I ever sang to my son. I don't know which way this sign is supposed to take me, but I feel a temporary sense of peace.

Update 5: It's after noon and I just took a trip to the bathroom solely to check for spotting and there was none and I can't stand myself anymore.

Update 6: Now it feels like there's a heating pad across my lower abdomen. I have no idea what this means.

Update 7: Damn it. I started thinking about baby names. This optimism is getting out of hand.

Update 8: One hour until I test again. Hooray for pee sticks!

10DPO glass half full

August 10, 2011

The test was negative, of course.

I only took the test for continuity here on the blog. STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

What's weird is that I still think I'm pregnant.

I'm nervous about tomorrow, but the test is going to show two lines.

It is.

I'm not usually a glass half full gal.

But we did it this time.

I don't care what it shows on this pee stick that I'm still studying under different sources of light and upside down, three hours later.

STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT.

2:00 p.m. Update: Feeling crampy. 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out 16 hours until I find out