Tuesday, October 6, 2009

6w 4d ultrasound

Yesterday was our first ultrasound, and the doctor couldn't find the heartbeat. I keep telling myself to calm down, that it isn't a big deal. The doctor wanted to see us again in a week, so we'll be going back for another ultrasound on Monday. In the meantime, here's the shot of the amniotic sac.

I never thought pregnancy would be easy, and I was right. The nausea has picked up. If I felt this sick normally, I wouldn't have gone in to work. Additionally, I've never understood the word fatigue until now. It's like trying to crawl out of quicksand when you really would rather just sink. I'm so dizzy it's difficult to stand up -- having a blood pressure reading of 87/44 may have something to do with that.

If I felt like this for any other reason, I'd be curled up on the couch right now. That's a little difficult to swallow. I just have to remember why I'm here, that this is all for that tiny life (whose heartbeat I WILL see next week, damn it).

I love you, baby. I'll crawl through quicksand for the rest of my life if I have to.

Andy is still in a different place from me in the pregnancy process. That seems normal, but I can't help wishing for more enthusiasm. He said he'll be excited when baby gets here, or when the time comes that the pregnancy will be obvious by looking at me. It's all very rational.

I'll just sit over here by myself and stew in my early excitement alone. That is, if I don't vomit or faint first.

From "These are the Days" by Van Morrison. Thank you, God, for my little miracle.
These are the days of the endless summer
These are the days and the time is now
There is no past, there is only future
There's only here, there's only now...

These are the days by the sparkling river
His timely grace and our treasured find
This is the love of the one great magician
Turned the water into wine.

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