Thursday, March 4, 2010

27w 3d perspective

Today was a special day.

It began with a nightmare, and not just any nightmare. My baby died, and it was devastating. In my heart, it was real, and it broke me. It was the first time in a long time that I wish my alarm clock had woken me sooner.

I woke up in tears, sobs of tears, and for the first few moments of my day I believed the dream that my awful imagination had conjured.

The first miracle of the day was when I turned over, and there he was. My husband, sleeping, and looking mighty cute. It was the kind of moment where no amount of morning breath could make me turn away. I had to keep looking at him, just to know he was there.

The second miracle of the day was the muted bump bump from baby, nudging the hand I had placed on my belly, reminding me that it was just a dream. Nothing was wrong in my world. I still have my baby, my healthy growing baby.

I went through the rest of the day feeling strange, different. It was as though I really had gone through that unspeakable grief and come out the other side of it. But then I'd remember it was a dream, I still have everything... and then everything I saw and touched and felt was more real and unbelievably special than ever before.

Everything is a treasure. Nothing can go wrong as long as I have the ones that I love. There is nothing that can matter as much, nothing that can dampen this gift. I have it all.

Today was a special day.

A gorgeous song: I Will Love You by Fisher.
'Til my body is dust
'til my soul is no more
I will love you, love you
'Til the sun starts to cry
and the moon turns to rust
I will love you, love you

And I need to know -- will you stay for all
time... forever and a day
Then I'll give my heart 'til the end of all
time... forever and a day

'Til the storms fill my eyes
and we touch the last time
I will love you, love you
I will love you, love you...

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