Friday, January 22, 2010

21w 4d pressure

It's been one of those weeks where I eat, sleep, and breathe work (literally, I dreamed I was working). Friday is here, and now the exhaustion is catching up with me.

My new shiatsu massage pillow came in the mail last night, and it was wonderful on my aching back. Maybe too wonderful... I feel a little bruised this morning.

Regarding names, the process has been put on hold. We have a few months, after all. But I did hear Andy say this week, in reference to getting the nursery in order, "I guess this isn't something we can procrastinate."

This baby really is a ticking clock, and as the countdown gets closer, my heart beats a little faster. I -- me -- the one who's been wanting a baby and pushing for a baby for years -- I feel the apprehension building, little pulses of panic in my stomach. Everything will change.

Everything will change.

I look at my body and can't recognize my waistline. I just look BIG. I try to remember that I wanted -- was looking forward to -- "the bump."

I look at the cats, especially Bella who has been my baby through all the biggest moments of my life, and I wonder how I'm going to deal with the fact that I won't be able to baby her anymore. Is it sad that she's one of my best friends? She's just a cat. But I'm going to have to start kicking her out of our bedroom soon, because she'll pose a threat to numero uno, the real baby.

The way that I diffuse the pressure is to plan and prepare as much as I can as soon as possible. I've mentioned this before. What I need to remember is that this isn't the same for Andy. I can't be putting all this pressure on him to get everything ready immediately, including the baby's name.

The truth is, I haven't had that "lightning bolt" moment where I think, "This is it. This is the perfect name for our baby." Sure, I have names that I love more than others. But Andy has found his lightning bolt, and unless I have my own little eureka, Andy is going to win out... Which is actually wonderful, seeing a connection between him and this little thing inside me.

Well, if I never find my exact perfect name for this one, I'll just have to take naming rights for the next Baby Schultz.

Probably my favorite movie featuring pregnancy is "Where The Heart Is." Here are lyrics from the movie's theme, "That's the Beat of a Heart."
No one can tell you how to get there
It's a road you take all by yourself
So listen with all your heart, hold it inside forever
You may find all your dreams have already come true
Look inside and find the part that's leading you
That's the beat of a heart.

No comments:

Post a Comment